sorry me again (this time its easier i swear)

sorry for making this so difficult i just wanted to make sure you guys actually wanted to know. (i have terrible self esteem) thanks to those who went through the work of the code. im sorry to those who had trouble with it thank you for trying though. (you guys can thank polly baker for this because shes awesome)

if you really knew me you would know that i work at wendys

that i have 2 dogs but one lives in heaven

you would know that my parents divorced when i was in 6th grade

if you really knew me you would know that i don't tell a people a lot of things and keep them bottled up or in writing. which is why this whole giving in to telling the truth thing is really hard for me.

if you really knew me you would know 2/3 of my friends are guys and the remaining portion is mainly composed of girls who play videogames.

my name is mallary gardner

and this is me

thank you all so much 

letting go of the ghost inside and deciding to live (one last puzzle)

I am Casper Wyatt 

I am

I am afraid

But I'm also fearless

I am the girl who wishes she were a ghost

But is also afraid that's all she'll ever be

I am the girl who had a mental and emotional breakdown 

after the death of her dog. 

And still never shuts up about it

I am the girl who can never seem

to give people a strait answer

Not even on day one

So here's another puzzle

I am the girl who sings along to songs at midnight 

and cries as the lyrics turn to prayers

I am the girl who acts like a guy

Playing sports and video games 

and wearing her brothers hand-me-downs out of choice

I am the girl with 4 brothers 

and 2 sisters I almost never hear from

I am the girl who wanted to believe

From the very beginning 

After a short while I could tell 

that Santa and the tooth fairy 

and wishing on dandelions

and birthday candles were all a lie

But I wanted something to believe in

So I tied the blindfold myself

tied it so tight 

my eyelids couldn't even flicker open

But like all things 

one day it had to be removed

On the day my father left

But I still want to believe

So I'll still wish on the moon and stars

As I murmur the broken melody of my choral bible

I'm the girl with a police officer as a dad

And another one for a step father

I'm the girl held together by duct tape

And if you really want to know who I am

You'll have to follow this puzzle until the end

Line 7 letter 18

Line 9 letter 21

Line 10 letter 10

Line 14 letter 10

Line 16 letter 14

Line 17 letter 11

Line 22 letter 11

Line 27 letter 19

Line 32 letter 5

Line 32 letter 16

Line 33 letter 6

Line 35 letter 12

Line 38 letter 20

Line 41 letter 9

i'd also like to thank everyone for reading and posting this semester has been amazing 

heres a special thanks to some people who have supported my blog by commenting (which was the awesomest thing ever)

jane adams

charli davis

flat stanley 

jane q porter

nelson

charlotte rose

timothy kelly

Everet mills

hancock

euphorophile

carina cooper

luna lovegood

diane arbus

polly baker

alice s blackwell

navy skye

joan le pucelle

alec webb

sgt pepper

hobbit

malcolm carter

twiggy

hook

douglas malloch

thank you all for your support

I remember. An ode to my brother

I remember 

I remember when we were young 
You were my best friend 
and we slept in each others arms

We woke up early to watch tv
I remember that we only had 2 channels worth watching

I remember I hated that you tried to wake me up at 8 on a Saturday 

I remember when dad was practically a superhero
And I convinced him I NEEDED a dog 
She was a golden lab 
And we would fight over who we thought she liked more

I remember at night when we were still in elementary school
And you would sneak into my room
And we would talk until 11

I remember when dad left us
We thought he called us out to talk about your grades
But his tears made us realize 
it was much more serious

I remember that was the first time I saw him cry 
And I remember I was afraid you would break down and run away

I remember on the nights I could hear you cry
I would find all the knives in our house not for cooking and hide them under my pillow

I remember you finding her
And me no longer being your favorite 
But I was glad because she could help you 
far better than I ever could
But it still hurt 

I remember when I told you I was in a relationship 
And you couldn't believe it
But you supported me in spite of your apparent doubts

In truth I was probably trying to fill the hole you left when you chose her instead of me
But it didn't last long anyways
And she is still with you

I remember when you told us you were leaving to live with dad
Matt sobbed
I tried to support you the way you always supported me
So I didn't cry
At least not while you were watching

I remember the pain of feeling so alone
Of realizing you were no longer feet away from me but instead miles. 

That is when my night time depression started

I remember the first time someone accused us of acting like more than siblings
It was dad
You got offended

I remember I decided I would marry the person I grew to love more than you.

blackout poetry

Lingering

The truth is 

I'm not ok

And I'm starting to feel 
that maybe I'm bipolar

Because home is the loneliest place to be
Because I'm alone in that room all night

Wishing I were a ghost

Then I go to school

And I have friends who notice and care
Who tell me I'm not just being dumb

And then you pick me up from the bus stop
And my heart stops

Because I could never in a million years
Deserve you

And I'm afraid you'll notice

And I'm afraid you won't 

And I'm afraid 

All I'll ever be

Is broken

Lingering on your every word
On their every word of comfort
And on every feeling of loneliness 

My heart and the clinking sounds in my chest

I hate to tell you this
But I am broken

I'm not who I wish I was

And I've tried to piece my heart together

But it just won't work

Because there are too many 
pieces missing 

And I'm done wasting time

Because those flimsy scotch tape lies
Won't fix anything

Because I'm breaking more each day
And I'm running out of lies to tell

My roll of tape is empty
And I'm done hiding

I'm done being ok
And I'm done being perfect

Because I swear 
That's all that people see

But I toss and turn at night
And nothing feels right

Because the pieces of my heart
Make clinking sounds as I move

And my mind is so tired

It forgets to pretend to be ok

I tried to write about nature, but what is nature without the eye of the beholder.

It's nights like these 
where the sky is a blanket over my head 
And no one is lonely

It's nights like these 
where windows open silently
And the wonder continues 

It's nights like these 
where I steal kisses under the full moon
And it's ok

It's nights like these 
when I no longer feel inadequate 
Because I'm needed 

It's nights like these 
that I don't want to sleep
Because I don't want the morning to come

It's nights like these
Where I whisper my secrets 
And stop worrying about despair

It's nights like these
Where I think of you and the sky and life
And everything seems fine

The air is warm 
A breeze blows through
the only sound comes from crickets 
And the sound of my feet 

But tonight 
I'm sad to say
Is not one of those nights

Even though I keep telling myself it is

Tonight it is cold
Tonight my windows 
are practically boarded shut

There are no leaves on the trees for the wind to rustle through

And tonight I am alone

There is no moon to comfort me 
And no kisses to steal

There are no secrets I want to whisper
And no ear to hear when I say 
I love you 

Tonight is a night 
Full of tired delirium 
Of terrible spelling
Of almost tears
And almost confessions

Because tonight it is cold
And my mom is mad at my step dad
And he needs a kidney transplant
And I don't know how 
to be mad at either of them right now

Tonight is not a night for good dreams 
So why try and sleep

So instead

I'll just fill my thoughts 

with you

And better nights

A list of things I'm sorry I'm not sorry about

Things I'm sorry about

I'm sorry my dog won the contest for my phone lock screen background

I'm sorry you only got the home page 

I'm sorry I think about food more 

than I think about you

I'm sorry I can't always look good

And I'm sorry I'm no good at dressing up

I'm sorry I'm so awkward 

And that everyone is aware of that fact

Most of all I'm sorry that I'm not really very sorry about these things

But I wish I were

Death, it's promises. Life, and it's betrayal.

Death

I don't like death 
Because it stole my best friend(dog) from me

I don't like life 
because it wouldn't fight to let me keep her

The worst part 
was knowing it was coming 

During her last few days 
she looked and sounded 
like she was in 
so 
much 
.
pain

So I prayed for life to make her whole

But life doesn't listen to me

So I bargained with death to dull the pain

As I stroked her soft copper ears and head clung to her 
And nearly bathed her with my tears

Death 
stopped the wheezing labored breaths 
the fits of coughing 
the limping 
And the cold 

Life let it go on 
for that I'll never forgive life

But I suppose 
I need to thank it for giving me 
the time I had with her.

So thank you 

Death 

I expect a lot from you

I hope you give me time to say goodbye
And don't take me before I'm ready

I hope you give me a story

Not one of those lame ones like tripping and falling down some flights of stairs 

If possible 
I'd like to save someone 
before you take me. 
And I'd like to be saved as well

Life

I can't say I'm overly fond of you

You took my parents' marriage away 
you moved me and my brother into different homes
You let my dog suffer 
and didn't fight for her life
You let my family hurt me 
from time to time 
You made me feel like a failure 
A ghost
And a lost cause 

One day you'll let death take my family
probably the hard way

And one day you'll let me go 

And I just hope on that day

Death can keep it's promises

Far better than you did.

Never ending

The days seem never ending
 but never long enough

Thoughts of things worth mending
Make me start to choke 

There isn't enough time for anything
What's left is consumed by sleep

There isn't time to drink
So I've become dehydrated

There isn't time to finish anything
But worst of all there isn't even time to cry

It sucks 
and there's always a constant reminder

Even this poem was rushed
Because there's no time

I couldn't keep up with the rhymes 
All I could do was vent

Because by the end 
That's all that really matters

Maybe some day I'll have time
And maybe then I'll cry

But for now I'm stuck in this never ending motion

Of always having to do something

I'm not scared, at least as far as you know

I not scared

I'm not scared because then you'd worry. 

I'm not scared because heights and clowns and dolls can't hurt me. 

At least not unless I let them. 

And I'm not scared because if I started to admit it I'd be a wreck. 

/I'm not scared of my family members dying 

because normal people don't have those nightmares 

or at least not as often as I do. 

I'm not scared because I don't have to ask for help. 

/I'm not scared that people will hate me or that I'm really powerless. 

Because if people knew i'd be even more scared. 

I'm not afraid of dying at least not as much as living 

/I'm not scared that one day my dad will confront me and ask why my writing sounds like a suicide letter. 

Because that was just a dream. 

I'm not afraid of loosing sleep because most of the time it's sleep that haunts me. 

I'm not afraid of spiders but I start to get cautious when I fall asleep on the floor. 

/I'm not afraid of moving again and I'm not afraid of growing up

Because that's life 

/and I'm not afraid of that

I'm not afraid of being alone

/not even when I'm hurting

I'm not afraid of black cats monsters or demons. 

/And I'm definitely not afraid of the sound of saxophones playing in the distance. 

But I might be afraid of you

And I might be afraid of me

Because were both so good at lying

(Look back anything with a / in front of the line was a lie. But I'm sure you already knew that)

How to survive a divorce

1- Accept that it's happening

2- Realize your not the only one hurting

3- Bury your pain

4- Only cry for others

5- But never in front of others

6- Don't let them feel the same

7- Pretend it never happened 

After all your still you right

Wrong 

Because your friends say you've changed

And your teachers hug you in the hallway

Because you still won't admit your not ok 

7- realize you need new tactics

8- decide it's ok

9- hope everyone forgets

But they won't 

Because you'll always be the kid 

who broke down in the middle of class 

crying because it was all too much

10- start to fear being different

11- try to fade away

12- enter middle school

13- make some crappy friends

14- make bad choices

Because you need to fill the gap somehow

And making them think your lively 

makes them think your ok

15- fix yourself

16- make real friends

17- pretend divorce is a part of life

18- pretend you never made mistakes

19- pretend to be perfectly fine 

20- let your mom get remarried

21- be ok with moving away

22- find out your older brother

Who might as well be god in your eyes

Isn't coming with you

23- Cry a lot

But don't let him see you cry

But let him know how much you miss him

24- try to start over

25- spend a year getting your crap together 

26- accept that this is your new life

27- enter highschool

28- realize that now divorce is everyday life

29- stop taking advice from someone who obviously fails at life

In fact you probably shouldn't have read this in the first place

In fact it probably wouldn't work anyways because none of you are in 6th grade

But still

30- Stop taking my advice

Let's be teenagers

Let's be teenagers
Just for a day

Let's be teenagers
After all that's what we were born to be
At least for a couple years

From the moment 
we could say our parents names
They were already contemplating
How we would be in our terrible teens

So let's be teenagers

I don't mean to go get arrested 
Or smoke pot
Or do anything of the illegal sort

I mean 

Let's take a break from all this pressure
Let's watch a movie and eat ice cream
(Because popcorn is too mainstream)

Let's sit in the grass and look at the stars
Instead of cleaning our rooms
Or studying for tests

Let's talk about our futures
And joke about how tough it will be
Because I don't want to really think about
Where I'm going after high school

Because let's face it 
My parents think my plans are their plans
And they can't possibly imagine 
That I want to be independent 
And realistic
And work for myself

So let's be teenagers
So I can pretend my problems don't exist
And eat the food you make
Because (Not to be sexist but) 
your an amazing cook

I've got a jacked up neck 
And I've got chronic dehydration
Because there's no time left to drink
And I feel like it will never end

So let's be teenagers
Let's text until midnight 
And say I love you
Even though my parents probably think that's sh*t

let's be teenagers
And listen to hard rock 
Because my parents 
don't get a say in that

I don't mean to rebel
Especially because most of these things are hardly rebelling

I just want to take a day 
To be a teenager

With you

i guess i can draw instead or writing a love letter

i like to draw

but i've never been that good

i know if i say i suck at it someone will get offended because their worse

and if i say i'm good someone will laugh at how  much i could improve

so for the sake of agreement i will say im "ok" at drawing

my brother taught me how to draw

i guess you could say taught by example

because there were never any actual tips or pointers given

i failed an ap test for art

and sometimes that makes me not want to draw any more

but here it is something i drew today

so obviously i haven't given up just yet

and you are probably the reason

first you made me believe in myself to the end

and now you are making my blog into a continuous love letter eternally addressed to you

that makes me happy

even though everyone else is probably sick of me being sappy

so heres something different

kinda

Things I'd like to tell you

Things I'd like to tell you

I'm sorry sometimes I'm quiet 

Every time I bump your shoulder 

it's because secretly I want 

To feel your warm touch

I don't even know what a good kiss is 

But kissing you makes my heart 

want to explode

I could hug you forever

Or we could walk in the rain for eternity 

I couldn't care less 

As long as your fingers 

are Intwined with mine

Your hands are the feeling of flower petals

and your perfume is the smell of rain and wet grass

Your hair is the softest thing on earth

And I get lost in your crushing blue eyes

Your eyelashes are long enough 

to start a tornado from a single blink

But you don't wear make up

When I think about you

My heart beats a mile a minute

And I feel like it's about to explode

Thoughts of you keep me up at night

And wake me up in the morning

Because I have to send you a "good night" text 

And i won't wake up with out your "good morning"

When I say thank you out of the blue

It doesn't mean you've done anything particularly special

It means I'm glad you choosing me

Because I can't imagine no having you

You claim you've never seen me sad

But some days you were the only thing keeping me together

Apparently I'm much better 

at hiding my pain than I thought 

Those two fantas you bought me 

saved me from my own thoughts

And gave me hope in a tomorrow

And you probably don't even know it

You probably didn't even know 

That my dog died

But you were the reason 

I made it through it

Im pretty sure I've lost an eye and a leg with all the people I've dated

(Not an arm because I need both of those for hugging you)

But it was worth it to find you

When you say "I love you more" my heart crumples 

Like a crushed rose

Because you'll never understand how much you mean to me

And I'm no good at saying it

I've written you almost a dozen poems

But I'm too afraid to show you any of them

Because the time isn't right

Or it's way off subject 

Or the poem is way too long to read or send over text anyways

So I'll add this to the list

Of things I'll show you

When you finally ask

my 1700 brick wall and its indisputable eventual fall.

My wall started 

in elementary school

When I realized 

The opposite gender 

no longer enjoyed my company

A brick for each person 

who stopped talking to me

5

I added to my wall when

My dad said he was leaving

One brick for each day of middle school with out a normal family

1095

Makes 1100 bricks

One for each time my little brother insulted me

And one for each time I insulted him back

around 123

A brick for my first relationship

And another for each kiss we shared

Around 78

A brick for my first break up

And a brick for each day until I got over them

4

Making a 1305 brick wall

A brick for my mom getting remarried 

And another for each time 

I've been mad at him

5

A brick for the day I found out 

my second boyfriend 

was dating my best friend

And another for when I found out 

he lied to her

1312 bricks

A brick for the person 

who wouldn't leave me alone

Who believed there was no way 

I didn't love them 

And a brick for every day I had to put up with them 

364

a brick for the day i finally told them i didn't

A brick for each day they ignored my existence 

and pretended I wasn't right in front of them

14

A brick for the day you were jealous 

and started talking to me again because I made a new friend

A brick because they were in a relationship 

but I didn't want to tell you that

Making a 1694 brick wall

A brick for the boy who asked me to prom and then got a girlfriend a week after

A brick for the two people i couldn't go to homecoming with 

because i was already in a relationship

A brick for each time I had to tell my brother I had a boyfriend 

3

Making my current 1701 brick wall

But you made it through it all

You scaled the wall

And made it past my radar

And now I'm stuck

Letting you in

Your at the top

Just close enough 

To see over

But far enough

To think I'm still a mystery

But I'm starting to fear

the wrong word

The wrong sentence 

Will start to sound like a beckoning call

For after one step

You'll fall

You'll fall all too fast

And my wall will fall too

And there will be no going back 

I won't be your perfect strong but fragile love

I'll be your broken 

But fixed love 

The kind held together by duct tape