Never ending

The days seem never ending
 but never long enough

Thoughts of things worth mending
Make me start to choke 

There isn't enough time for anything
What's left is consumed by sleep

There isn't time to drink
So I've become dehydrated

There isn't time to finish anything
But worst of all there isn't even time to cry

It sucks 
and there's always a constant reminder

Even this poem was rushed
Because there's no time

I couldn't keep up with the rhymes 
All I could do was vent

Because by the end 
That's all that really matters

Maybe some day I'll have time
And maybe then I'll cry

But for now I'm stuck in this never ending motion

Of always having to do something

I'm not scared, at least as far as you know

I not scared

I'm not scared because then you'd worry. 

I'm not scared because heights and clowns and dolls can't hurt me. 

At least not unless I let them. 

And I'm not scared because if I started to admit it I'd be a wreck. 

/I'm not scared of my family members dying 

because normal people don't have those nightmares 

or at least not as often as I do. 

I'm not scared because I don't have to ask for help. 

/I'm not scared that people will hate me or that I'm really powerless. 

Because if people knew i'd be even more scared. 

I'm not afraid of dying at least not as much as living 

/I'm not scared that one day my dad will confront me and ask why my writing sounds like a suicide letter. 

Because that was just a dream. 

I'm not afraid of loosing sleep because most of the time it's sleep that haunts me. 

I'm not afraid of spiders but I start to get cautious when I fall asleep on the floor. 

/I'm not afraid of moving again and I'm not afraid of growing up

Because that's life 

/and I'm not afraid of that

I'm not afraid of being alone

/not even when I'm hurting

I'm not afraid of black cats monsters or demons. 

/And I'm definitely not afraid of the sound of saxophones playing in the distance. 

But I might be afraid of you

And I might be afraid of me

Because were both so good at lying

(Look back anything with a / in front of the line was a lie. But I'm sure you already knew that)

How to survive a divorce

1- Accept that it's happening

2- Realize your not the only one hurting

3- Bury your pain

4- Only cry for others

5- But never in front of others

6- Don't let them feel the same

7- Pretend it never happened 

After all your still you right

Wrong 

Because your friends say you've changed

And your teachers hug you in the hallway

Because you still won't admit your not ok 

7- realize you need new tactics

8- decide it's ok

9- hope everyone forgets

But they won't 

Because you'll always be the kid 

who broke down in the middle of class 

crying because it was all too much

10- start to fear being different

11- try to fade away

12- enter middle school

13- make some crappy friends

14- make bad choices

Because you need to fill the gap somehow

And making them think your lively 

makes them think your ok

15- fix yourself

16- make real friends

17- pretend divorce is a part of life

18- pretend you never made mistakes

19- pretend to be perfectly fine 

20- let your mom get remarried

21- be ok with moving away

22- find out your older brother

Who might as well be god in your eyes

Isn't coming with you

23- Cry a lot

But don't let him see you cry

But let him know how much you miss him

24- try to start over

25- spend a year getting your crap together 

26- accept that this is your new life

27- enter highschool

28- realize that now divorce is everyday life

29- stop taking advice from someone who obviously fails at life

In fact you probably shouldn't have read this in the first place

In fact it probably wouldn't work anyways because none of you are in 6th grade

But still

30- Stop taking my advice

Let's be teenagers

Let's be teenagers
Just for a day

Let's be teenagers
After all that's what we were born to be
At least for a couple years

From the moment 
we could say our parents names
They were already contemplating
How we would be in our terrible teens

So let's be teenagers

I don't mean to go get arrested 
Or smoke pot
Or do anything of the illegal sort

I mean 

Let's take a break from all this pressure
Let's watch a movie and eat ice cream
(Because popcorn is too mainstream)

Let's sit in the grass and look at the stars
Instead of cleaning our rooms
Or studying for tests

Let's talk about our futures
And joke about how tough it will be
Because I don't want to really think about
Where I'm going after high school

Because let's face it 
My parents think my plans are their plans
And they can't possibly imagine 
That I want to be independent 
And realistic
And work for myself

So let's be teenagers
So I can pretend my problems don't exist
And eat the food you make
Because (Not to be sexist but) 
your an amazing cook

I've got a jacked up neck 
And I've got chronic dehydration
Because there's no time left to drink
And I feel like it will never end

So let's be teenagers
Let's text until midnight 
And say I love you
Even though my parents probably think that's sh*t

let's be teenagers
And listen to hard rock 
Because my parents 
don't get a say in that

I don't mean to rebel
Especially because most of these things are hardly rebelling

I just want to take a day 
To be a teenager

With you

i guess i can draw instead or writing a love letter

i like to draw

but i've never been that good

i know if i say i suck at it someone will get offended because their worse

and if i say i'm good someone will laugh at how  much i could improve

so for the sake of agreement i will say im "ok" at drawing

my brother taught me how to draw

i guess you could say taught by example

because there were never any actual tips or pointers given

i failed an ap test for art

and sometimes that makes me not want to draw any more

but here it is something i drew today

so obviously i haven't given up just yet

and you are probably the reason

first you made me believe in myself to the end

and now you are making my blog into a continuous love letter eternally addressed to you

that makes me happy

even though everyone else is probably sick of me being sappy

so heres something different

kinda

Things I'd like to tell you

Things I'd like to tell you

I'm sorry sometimes I'm quiet 

Every time I bump your shoulder 

it's because secretly I want 

To feel your warm touch

I don't even know what a good kiss is 

But kissing you makes my heart 

want to explode

I could hug you forever

Or we could walk in the rain for eternity 

I couldn't care less 

As long as your fingers 

are Intwined with mine

Your hands are the feeling of flower petals

and your perfume is the smell of rain and wet grass

Your hair is the softest thing on earth

And I get lost in your crushing blue eyes

Your eyelashes are long enough 

to start a tornado from a single blink

But you don't wear make up

When I think about you

My heart beats a mile a minute

And I feel like it's about to explode

Thoughts of you keep me up at night

And wake me up in the morning

Because I have to send you a "good night" text 

And i won't wake up with out your "good morning"

When I say thank you out of the blue

It doesn't mean you've done anything particularly special

It means I'm glad you choosing me

Because I can't imagine no having you

You claim you've never seen me sad

But some days you were the only thing keeping me together

Apparently I'm much better 

at hiding my pain than I thought 

Those two fantas you bought me 

saved me from my own thoughts

And gave me hope in a tomorrow

And you probably don't even know it

You probably didn't even know 

That my dog died

But you were the reason 

I made it through it

Im pretty sure I've lost an eye and a leg with all the people I've dated

(Not an arm because I need both of those for hugging you)

But it was worth it to find you

When you say "I love you more" my heart crumples 

Like a crushed rose

Because you'll never understand how much you mean to me

And I'm no good at saying it

I've written you almost a dozen poems

But I'm too afraid to show you any of them

Because the time isn't right

Or it's way off subject 

Or the poem is way too long to read or send over text anyways

So I'll add this to the list

Of things I'll show you

When you finally ask