We talked the other day
and you said we have to be
open with each other
But I couldn't help but think
About how I've never
been open with anyone
The closest I've been to being open
Was writing in a notebook
It wasn't like I didn't want to talk
But it was like
every time I found the words
They got caught in my throat
And never found their way to my tung
Like there was a dream catcher
in my throat
Like there was a filter on my voice
Like my brain
stopped my heart and mouth
From communicating
Because we dated for a year
And I know
I did not say I love you enough
Because I told you I loved my dad
But not that every girl he dated weighed on my heart
That every one was a migraine
That every kiss was another tear
That would make its way down my cheek the next night
Because I told you
My mom can be frustrating
But I never told you
That she never thought anything I did
was adequate
That I was never good enough
Never pretty enough
My skin was never clear enough
My hair never strait enough
My appearance never tidy enough
An my sense of style
Never pretty enough.
But I was her perfect daughter
And each time she said it
I felt the wall around my heart grow
A string added
to the dream catcher in my throat
The memory of what it sounds like
To lie to yourself reinforced
Because the look in her eyes
Was always so genuine
Because I told you
I lost my dog
But I never told you
That it was my fault
That I said it was ok
That she was old
That she was in pain
That she was blind
That it was for the best
And I never told you
How her final breaths sounded
How they sounded like freedom
Like they were merely her soul
Leaving that broken body
That her body was warm
And how I knew so firmly
it was still her
But that I knew she was not inside it
That her satin soft ears
still felt the same
As the day my dad and I
picked her out.
I never told you I named her
I never told you
She was the one I talked to
Because the dream catcher
in my throat
never caught her on the radar
I never told you for two months
I pretended I was ok
But didn't eat or sleep
Never left my room
for anything more
Than school
I didn't tell you
The smiles hurt my cheek muscles
And my heart was constantly aching
And every word
tasted like a lie on my tung
And I viciously caught you with
Jinks you owe me a soda
Because it distracted me
From real feelings
In fact I did it twice
But you must have seen something
Because
The next day
you showed up at my door
With two sodas
With two of my favorite sodas
You didn't stick around
for the aftermath
And I'm glad
Because I cried
I cried for the first time in weeks
Not about my dog
Not about my own despair
Not from the gaping hole in my chest
And stomach
And numbness in my limbs
Because I sobbed twenty four seven
I slept with a dog collar clutched to the holes by long lost limbs
My body curled around itself
like a cinnamon roll
Flipping over the pillow ever few hours in hopes it wouldn't stay soggy
Tissues were of no help
But they seemed to litter my room anyways
Most nights I just wandered
down to the kitchen
So I could sit at the table
And look out the window and door
Where I would have seen her
I would cry some more
And then move myself to the couch just in time to pass out
at 5 in the morning
7:30 alarm goes off
Quick throw away the tissues
Wash your face
Put on make up
Make sure no one can tell
Practice smiling in the mirror
Cry a little more
I told you
That my life was not all
sunshine and rainbows
I told you divorce was hard
But I don't tell you
They way my dad looked
The way his hands trembled
the way His lip curled
The way the tears
found their way to his cheeks
Like water rising from the ground
Like gravity lost its hold on rain
Like everything had been flipped upside down
As he said
I'm leaving
I told you the divorce was harder
on my older brother
But I never told you
The way he cried at night
Like his head was about to burst
With the sound
of his world shattering around him
When he thought
no one could hear him
I never told you
The way I constantly
worried about him
The way I still worry about him
The way
His heart broke
And the sound it made
And the way it never truly healed
Because
if anyone deserves happiness
He does
Because divorce was his disease
And now it's his shadow
I told you mark was a good guy
But I never told you
He was also hypocritical
And condescending
And how his motivational speeches
Felt more like sandpaper
wearing me down
Than a river forming me
How I don't think he respects anyone
Or at least not as much as he should
And he never trusted me
And how that was the worst feeling
And it took everything
To keep myself from crying
Because
That shouldn't be a big deal
I told you I love my step brothers
But I never told you
I would do anything for them
That I know they will always be family
And that I would help them
bury a body
If I needed to
I told you family is everything
And I meant it
But I never told you
I wanted you to be family too
I wanted you to be more than family
I wanted you to be the one
I told you I wasn't that good at talking
And you found my blog
So thank you.
