I remember. An ode to my brother

I remember 

I remember when we were young 
You were my best friend 
and we slept in each others arms

We woke up early to watch tv
I remember that we only had 2 channels worth watching

I remember I hated that you tried to wake me up at 8 on a Saturday 

I remember when dad was practically a superhero
And I convinced him I NEEDED a dog 
She was a golden lab 
And we would fight over who we thought she liked more

I remember at night when we were still in elementary school
And you would sneak into my room
And we would talk until 11

I remember when dad left us
We thought he called us out to talk about your grades
But his tears made us realize 
it was much more serious

I remember that was the first time I saw him cry 
And I remember I was afraid you would break down and run away

I remember on the nights I could hear you cry
I would find all the knives in our house not for cooking and hide them under my pillow

I remember you finding her
And me no longer being your favorite 
But I was glad because she could help you 
far better than I ever could
But it still hurt 

I remember when I told you I was in a relationship 
And you couldn't believe it
But you supported me in spite of your apparent doubts

In truth I was probably trying to fill the hole you left when you chose her instead of me
But it didn't last long anyways
And she is still with you

I remember when you told us you were leaving to live with dad
Matt sobbed
I tried to support you the way you always supported me
So I didn't cry
At least not while you were watching

I remember the pain of feeling so alone
Of realizing you were no longer feet away from me but instead miles. 

That is when my night time depression started

I remember the first time someone accused us of acting like more than siblings
It was dad
You got offended

I remember I decided I would marry the person I grew to love more than you.