Being open

We talked the other day 

and you said we have to be 

open with each other

But I couldn't help but think 

About how I've never 

been open with anyone

The closest I've been to being open

Was writing in a notebook 

It wasn't like I didn't want to talk

But it was like 

every time I found the words

They got caught in my throat 

And never found their way to my tung

Like there was a dream catcher 

in my throat 

Like there was a filter on my voice

Like my brain 

stopped my heart and mouth

From communicating 

Because we dated for a year

And I know 

I did not say I love you enough

Because I told you I loved my dad

But not that every girl he dated weighed on my heart

That every one was a migraine 

That every kiss was another tear

That would make its way down my cheek the next night

Because I told you 

My mom can be frustrating 

But I never told you

That she never thought anything I did 

was adequate 

That I was never good enough

Never pretty enough

My skin was never clear enough

My hair never strait enough

My appearance never tidy enough

An my sense of style

Never pretty enough.

But I was her perfect daughter 

And each time she said it

I felt the wall around my heart grow

A string added 

to the dream catcher in my throat

The memory of what it sounds like

To lie to yourself reinforced 

Because the look in her eyes 

Was always so genuine 

Because I told you

I lost my dog

But I never told you

That it was my fault

That I said it was ok

That she was old

That she was in pain

That she was blind 

That it was for the best

And I never told you

How her final breaths sounded

How they sounded like freedom

Like they were merely her soul

Leaving that broken body

That her body was warm

And how I knew so firmly 

it was still her

But that I knew she was not inside it

That her satin soft ears 

still felt the same

As the day my dad and I 

picked her out.

I never told you I named her

I never told you 

She was the one I talked to

Because the dream catcher 

in my throat 

never caught her on the radar 

I never told you for two months 

I pretended I was ok

But didn't eat or sleep

Never left my room 

for anything more

Than school

I didn't tell you

The smiles hurt my cheek muscles 

And my heart was constantly aching 

And every word 

tasted like a lie on my tung

And I viciously caught you with

Jinks you owe me a soda

Because it distracted me 

From real feelings

In fact I did it twice 

But you must have seen something 

Because 

The next day 

you showed up at my door

With two sodas 

With two of my favorite sodas 

You didn't stick around 

for the aftermath 

And I'm glad

Because I cried 

I cried for the first time in weeks 

Not about my dog

Not about my own despair 

Not from the gaping hole in my chest

And stomach 

And numbness in my limbs

Because I sobbed twenty four seven

I slept with a dog collar clutched to the holes by long lost limbs

My body curled around itself 

like a cinnamon roll

Flipping over the pillow ever few hours in hopes it wouldn't stay soggy

Tissues were of no help

But they seemed to litter my room anyways

Most nights I just wandered 

down to the kitchen 

So I could sit at the table 

And look out the window and door 

Where I would have seen her

I would cry some more

And then move myself to the couch just in time to pass out 

at 5 in the morning 

7:30 alarm goes off

Quick throw away the tissues

Wash your face 

Put on make up

Make sure no one can tell

Practice smiling in the mirror 

Cry a little more

I told you

That my life was not all 

sunshine and rainbows 

I told you divorce was hard

But I don't tell you

They way my dad looked 

The way his hands trembled

the way His lip curled 

The way the tears 

found their way to his cheeks 

Like water rising from the ground

Like gravity lost its hold on rain

Like everything had been flipped upside down 

As he said

I'm leaving 

I told you the divorce was harder 

on my older brother

But I never told you

The way he cried at night 

Like his head was about to burst

With the sound

of his world shattering around him

When he thought 

no one could hear him

I never told you

The way I constantly 

worried about him

The way I still worry about him

The way

His heart broke

And the sound it made 

And the way it never truly healed

Because 

if anyone deserves happiness 

He does

Because divorce was his disease 

And now it's his shadow

I told you mark was a good guy

But I never told you

He was also hypocritical

And condescending 

And how his motivational speeches 

Felt more like sandpaper 

wearing me down 

Than a river forming me 

How I don't think he respects anyone 

Or at least not as much as he should

And he never trusted me

And how that was the worst feeling

And it took everything 

To keep myself from crying 

Because 

That shouldn't be a big deal

I told you I love my step brothers

But I never told you 

I would do anything for them

That I know they will always be family

And that I would help them 

bury a body

If I needed to

I told you family is everything 

And I meant it

But I never told you

I wanted you to be family too

I wanted you to be more than family 

I wanted you to be the one 

I told you I wasn't that good at talking 

And you found my blog

So thank you. 

guide to being an introvert

a simple guide to being introverted for extroverts and ambiverts

you know the feeling of 

i can wait to go out this weekend

I'm so excited to go to this place

i cant wait i'm going to call my bff

i'm going to stay out all night

its going to be crazy

well I don't

when the clock hits 11:30 am on a Friday my first thoughts are 

"i cant wait to curl up on my couch 

in my bed 

and most certainly alone with a book or netflix near by."

you know how you love shopping with a good friend.

how its fun to window shop

how you were never really interested in buying something 

but you were just glad to be there.

I don't

i will go shopping if there is something specific i want 

i go shopping alone

because more often than not

people talk me into buying things i don't need

you know that one time 

you struck up a conversation about the weather

or with a stranger on a bus

remember when you had that lab partner 

and you ended up having more to talk about than you thought.

I don't 

i get confused and offended 

when a lab partner strays from the task at hand to be social.

and talking just because you are near someone 

doesn't make sense

and as far as talking about the weather goes

you both can feel the weather.

how is it not considered stating the obvious

you know parties

how do you stand them

the food bought to cater to everyone's tastes 

and never really fitting any one person

the forced contact with strangers

that may or may not know the people you know

and the knowledge that falling asleep on the couch 

would be social suicide at best

and maybe all i wanted was a cup of hot cocoa 

and maybe i can only handle groups of people 7 and under

and maybe 4 was always best.

because inside jokes will always leave someone confused

and there will always be that one kid 

who never played that video game

i will go out to see a movie and go out to eat

but to be honest most of the time 

i would rather be home with one or two people

with easy access to a bedroom 

that no one else uses.

when i was a kid my hobbies included

being able to play with my brother 

without being interrupted by the neighbors

reading a book 12 ft up in a tree

and being so high up 

that the wind makes the branches under me sway 

i am a dog person 

 for the same reason i don't like talking to people

because small talk feels so insincere 

and no one will ever genuinely appreciate you
as much as your dog will

and you can laugh but being overly social feels so fake
and I like being Real

assumptions

people like to assume

people like to assume because i went to japan
i am a weaboo
a nerd
an "otaku"

and honestly i might have been

but now I'm a bigger fan 

of Japan's culture 

and hot spring baths

people like to assume because i'm a girl
i fight dirty

then they find out i grew up with brothers
and then they assume i am a pro wrestler

people like to assume that because i am a girl
it is also okay that i dress like one

but its not
not because i'm a tom boy
but because something inside me cries
i like cute clothes
i like girly clothes
but it hurts to wear them.

but assuming never hurt anyone

worst of all people like to assume
family is a safe topic

people like to assume
i have a little brother i quarrel with

maybe an older sister i yell at

maybe i make fun of my mom
and tell her she is old.

and honestly

its like the worst surprise
to realize

it pains people when i talk about my family

because the word divorce
is like a knife worse than any swear word

because we live in happy valley
a place where words like divorce
have practically been outlawed

those who use it ignored

and those who talk about it ostracized

because no one wants to believe
that true love can end

that their whole lives have been  a lie
that maybe one day their parents won't love each other

that maybe one day their prince charming
might not be so charming

because people like to believe divorce 

is simple
simply easy
simply evil
and simply something they will never have to worry about

and people like to assume love is easy
and people like to assume life can be simple.

so when i tell them no that's not my dad
hes just the person married to my mom
she got remarried

see there's another word

remarried

it sounds inviting until you process it and realize
what exactly it is you are getting yourself into


no shes not my sister shes not even my step sister
she is my step sisters half sister
and this is her husband

no uncle fred is not my uncle
he is not my moms uncle or my dads uncle
he is my step dads uncle
and crazy does run in the family

no its not my grandma who lives in my basement
its nanu
her real name is carol 

but so i'm making sense
it is my step dads mom

no he is not my little brother
he is my dads girlfriends son

yes i grew up with brothers
but i got 2 sisters when my mom got remarried
6 or so years ago.
no they are not babies
no they are not my half siblings
nothing is as simple as half siblings
yes they are both older than me

no i don't have one brother i have 4
but only one lives with me all the time
because 2 live with their mom
and the other lives with my dad

And you might say I have 5 

because my dad has been dating that girl 

for a really long time

no i'm not an only child
nothing could ever be more strikingly different
than saying i am an only child
no i don't fight with my siblings anymore

we leave the fighting to the grown ups
and they don't fight as much as you would think
but they still fight more than we can take.

and you went silent after the first sentence
so i will stop
i will stop
because divorce is a taboo

and no one knows what to say
when i say any more than i love my family.

so lets start over

"i love my family"

letters to the man in the moon.

letters to the man in the moon.

i wrote you my first letter when i was 11

i told you i was lost
and i told you i was scared and that i didn't like being lost
but that i was also afraid of being found

i wrote you a lot that year but most of it was repetitive

i said i was lonely
i said that i was tired of being surrounded by lonely people
i said i wasn't ready to stop being lonely
i said it was hard being around un-lonely people

when i turned 12 i wrote you more

i said i was tired
i said i was ok
i said not to worry
but to never believe me because im really good
at not looking lonely

at 13 my letters turned to

thank you
and please dont give up on me

at 14 my letters got desperate

im sorry its always you i turn to
im sorry its always you
im sorry but i can't do it
im better off being alone

at 15 i finally took a break

i wrote you a few "thanks"
and a few "im tryings"
i remember crying myself to sleep
on nights that all i could say was "thanks"

at 16 i gave in

i know i said i was ok
and i am
but i also told you to never believe that line
so you should have seen this coming

I spilled my heart out to you for hours

and that made everything ok

at 17 i met a boy

a boy i kept mistaking for the moon

because we talked like the night sky
were the only barrier between us

but he talked back

and i found that i loved nothing more
than being his moon

and slowly he became mine.

we were two peas in the pod
two lights in the night sky
 and we were more constant than any moon
and he was always there.

at 18 my moon boy left

but i found as i talked to the moon
i would ask him

"please send my love to the boy a few stars over"

and i knew he would pass on the message.

If my heart were a house

If my heart were a home

 it would be broken

Wrenched in half 

like a doll house

It's Dysfunctionality 

displayed for all to see

One room is daddy issues

One is mommy issues

One is step dad issues

The other is girlfriend after girlfriend issues

There are school issues

And growing up issues

And I never signed up for this issues

There are abandonment issues

And there is an attic full of hope

With a window so big you could leap out of it

Or stare out all night 

and feel like a part of the night sky 

There are holes in the roof that insure this

And a constant melody of crickets 

And old rock music 

I'd like to say the moon and stars 

are in this attic

But that depends on whether or not 

you believe

And all the boards seem to be

 a worn out grey

And the roof still bears some black shingles 

Almost as if it had been nearly burnt down 

Some years ago

And who's to say it didn't 

when all seems well

It is because it's been closed up

You can still see in through the windows

Just enough

To catch a whiff of the dysfunction 

To know to steer clear 

To not undo the latch

Because it doesn't stay closed well without it 

But the gaping window in the attic

Still seems to draw some in

the warning on the box says

Do not get invested in this heart

Please keep away from small children 

And the light of heart

Take care when closing If you close it while your appendages or feelings are inside

It Can inflict pain pinched skin bruising 

and heart break

Hearts that are broken 

while this product is in use 

are not under warranty 

and users will not be compensated

do not feed this product chocolate

If product is fed chocolate 

The warranty will no longer be valid

no returns will be taken

And refunds will be minimal at best

On occasion poetry will spill out of it

do not read the poetry

please treat them like soliciting phone calls

Because if you give it hope

The calls will never end

Please do not give it poetry in return

Because No refunds or returns 

Can save you

Past that point

I'm surprised

Because I never thought

I would ever like humidity this much

Because I never thought

I could last this long without you

Because days turn into weeks so fast

And rainy days seem to be the only thing 

That reasures me

Because bronchitis is a pain in the butt

And it seems to never go away

Because people are just strangers 

Until you make them into friends

And I've never been very good at that

Because a language barrier is huge

But an ocean is bigger

And seeng monkeys in the field 

And around the house

Isn't quite the same 

when the monkeys aren't people

And I am 

surprised

Just how far I've come

Odd pairs

Smiles and butterflies

Because both are fleeting 

And I always wonder if they are real

Umbrellas and skipping

Because I've never 

experienced both at the same time

Because rain 

was made to be overbearing 

just like me

Girls and video games  

Because I never thought 

having them together 

was a big deal

Anime and real life

Because no two things 

could ever be further apart

My family and outings 

Because we never seem to go out

But when we do

We call it torture

Japan and lights 

Because I never thought Japan 

would have this many lights

Water and skin

Because nothing seemed to fit better 

Until fingers become prunes

And water becomes lukewarm

Japan and me

Because I swear 

we were destined to meet 

And I don't want to go home

Pumpkin hour (I wrote this a few months ago btw)

8:00

The blood pumps newly through my veins 

I could do anything

Be anything 

Because at this hour 

I have more ambition 

then I will have through the next 24

8:30

Fighting to stay awake

 is like brushing aside a feather 

easy 

light weight

9:00

My conscience kicks in

And reminds me of the mistakes I have had throughout the day

Week

And Year

9:30

The blood pumping through my brain is hurried 

I begin to flick my fore head as images appear in my brain 

dating back to kindergarten.

10:00

Feeling blue

Because maybe 

no one else feels this way at night

10:30

Down in the dumps 

11:00

Depressed, Alone

Lonely, Alone

Lost, Alone

Empty sheets

And lingering memories 

of 

long lost dreams 

11:30

Worthless 

Because why would anyone want me

12:00

Slips into insanity

1:00

Half asleep 

mumbling 

jitters

Walking 

Eating

Light switch flipping

Door opening

Not remembering 

insanity.

2:00

All this times 10

Then passing out

When I was a kid 

my mom like to call her bedtime 

pumpkin hour 

Which to her 

was a reference to cinderella's coach

as if the night could change us all. 

But it turns out nothing changes at 10:30 

the crying stays the same 

The voices in my head stay the same 

But I stopped trying to silence them 

There is no magic spell 

that changes us within that hour

The worst part is

that we were all still people 

Not a mouse who believed 

he was a white horse for a few hours.

But a person who thought 

they could be loved for a few hours 

And I have always been one that feared 

all people would ever love 

Was the magic dress that appeared 

and vanished 

just like clock work

Stone garden

Once I stumbled upon a stone garden

I hoped there would be more 

But there were only sad people

Reading sad names

And making sad faces

There were words Etched into stone 

In sad spots 

and sad places

Some of them had fought in a war

Where as others 

just couldn't take it anymore

Some never managed to be accepted

And others appeared as if they were only here to be tested

Some stones had cradles 

And rocking horses 

Stamped in them

Buried by there parents 

who only wished

They could still tap morse code to them as they slumbered in their bellies

Because that was all they got.

I wandered for a bit

But didn't stay for long

Because one day 

I'll have my own garden

And I can't imagine what words

will find their way

Into my stone

And to be honest

I'm afraid 

Afraid no words will find their way

And all I'll ever be is a blank slate

My mother said she wants to be cremated

But I promised her 

either way she will be under the dirt

And I will find her a stone

And I will carve in words

Because people were made

To be remembered.

Listening to prayers

We paint on smiles that match our skin

And robotic voices echo through the building

They told me work 

would be my escape from home

But now I have trouble 

seeing the difference

Because I paint on a smile for you each morning

And tell you less each day

But today I found myself listening in again

I'm sorry I stopped

And I'm sorry I did

And I'm sorry I do

But I'm mostly sorry I stopped

I'm sorry that even though 

you don't realize it

My soul is older than yours on occasion

And I don't know when 

I stopped being there for you  

Because I used to listen in 

on every crying phone call 

And every heart felt prayer

But last time I knocked on your door 

Hoping you would finally realize 

I've been here all along

And you shut and locked yourself up

 deep down inside

And eventually I think I thought 

I could listen to music with headphones in

Because there was nothing to miss

I've never been ok 

putting both earbuds in my ear

Until this year

And I don't think I'll find it ok again

Because dear

No matter how much your new husband pretends

Everything is not ok

And I wanted to be the one 

you finally admitted the words

"I feel broken" to

But I wasn't

Instead it was your moms cousin 

who lives down the road

And that makes me want to cry

But I heard it mom

I heard it

And I won't miss you saying it again

And maybe when I've moved out 

You'll finally say it to me

So here's to wishes

That I finally stop painting on smiles

And let my voice ring true

Because I wouldn't be here without you

And I won't let you be alone