when i go

Will time stand still without me
When I bow
will they close the curtains  
Because I'm lying
on a bed that isn't mine
And thinking
Will I ever not be here
Because home hasn't been constant
In a long time
But home has always meant family

And even though this bed isn't mine
I know they too
are sleeping on a bed
That is only half theirs
And they are less than 20ft away
And what happens
When home
isn't even a quarter home
When home is replaced with
the "apartment"
What happens
when the place i sleep
is next to a stranger
And the meals I make
Are mine
What happens
when I'm not living for them
When I'm not fighting for them

And maybe I'm just worried
How much could happen
In a year and a half
How much the beds and rooms
that aren't fully mine
Become someone else's
How much they learn to live
without me

And maybe I just want to be remembered
Maybe I don't want to be
the kid they email a few times a year
Maybe I'd rather
they left an empty room
or an empty bed
Just so I know
they are still waiting for me

Quilting and other forms of heartbreak

Let me tell you something about my parents

Let me tell you something about divorced parents

Let me tell you                    

About how no house is really home anymore

And when you hear yourself say

I’m going home

You have to ask yourself

If you will ever stop driving

Let me tell you

About how loving your parents doesn’t always mean

Together or at the same time

Or even in the same way

Let me tell you

About how going home doesn’t always mean the same place

And sometimes you say it

As you are both headed to different buildings

And how your heart aches

How you wish it wasn’t that way

How it feels like you are currently tied together

And with each step the tugging feeling gets worse

And how that

Makes you cherish your relationship that much more

Let me tell you the difference

Between having loving parents

And having loving parents

Because my parents are so solely devoted to me

So devoted to the time I spend with them

So devoted to the patch work quilt family

They are still trying to hold together

And on some days it may feel like my heart is being ripped in half

But on other days

It feels more like there is more than one heart

Beating in my chest

And those are the good days

I have never been so loved by total strangers

I believe you call them

Step parents

And step siblings

But let me tell you

With all the pain of a divorce

All the disagreements

All the terrible days

All the off days

All the bad days

I still cannot look all of you in the eyes and say

I have it worse off than you

Because I wasn’t in foster care

Torn from one place to the next

I wasn’t unloved

I wasn’t abused

I wasn’t forgotten

I have so many siblings now I don’t even dare

To try and count them

But I know them all by name

I know them all by heart

I know them all

And they know me

Let me tell you something about being a child of divorced parents

I will always be better at resolving issues

I will never be greedy

In fact I will never ask for anything

Because who would I ask

You ask your mom

She says to ask your dad

So You do

And He says to ask your mom

But you don’t know how to tell them

That you don’t really need it

You never really needed it

You just need to feel loved

So can we all just forget I asked

Slowly your forget how to ask

You forget that anything other than

Oxygen and love is needed

Let me tell you something about growing up around divorce

Your life is about learning to love

About how to make the perfect quilt

About how to thread a needle with red thread

And how to make sure you stitch all the pieces of fabric together just right

assumptions

people like to assume

people like to assume because i went to japan
i am a weaboo
a nerd
an "otaku"

and honestly i might have been

but now I'm a bigger fan 

of Japan's culture 

and hot spring baths

people like to assume because i'm a girl
i fight dirty

then they find out i grew up with brothers
and then they assume i am a pro wrestler

people like to assume that because i am a girl
it is also okay that i dress like one

but its not
not because i'm a tom boy
but because something inside me cries
i like cute clothes
i like girly clothes
but it hurts to wear them.

but assuming never hurt anyone

worst of all people like to assume
family is a safe topic

people like to assume
i have a little brother i quarrel with

maybe an older sister i yell at

maybe i make fun of my mom
and tell her she is old.

and honestly

its like the worst surprise
to realize

it pains people when i talk about my family

because the word divorce
is like a knife worse than any swear word

because we live in happy valley
a place where words like divorce
have practically been outlawed

those who use it ignored

and those who talk about it ostracized

because no one wants to believe
that true love can end

that their whole lives have been  a lie
that maybe one day their parents won't love each other

that maybe one day their prince charming
might not be so charming

because people like to believe divorce 

is simple
simply easy
simply evil
and simply something they will never have to worry about

and people like to assume love is easy
and people like to assume life can be simple.

so when i tell them no that's not my dad
hes just the person married to my mom
she got remarried

see there's another word

remarried

it sounds inviting until you process it and realize
what exactly it is you are getting yourself into


no shes not my sister shes not even my step sister
she is my step sisters half sister
and this is her husband

no uncle fred is not my uncle
he is not my moms uncle or my dads uncle
he is my step dads uncle
and crazy does run in the family

no its not my grandma who lives in my basement
its nanu
her real name is carol 

but so i'm making sense
it is my step dads mom

no he is not my little brother
he is my dads girlfriends son

yes i grew up with brothers
but i got 2 sisters when my mom got remarried
6 or so years ago.
no they are not babies
no they are not my half siblings
nothing is as simple as half siblings
yes they are both older than me

no i don't have one brother i have 4
but only one lives with me all the time
because 2 live with their mom
and the other lives with my dad

And you might say I have 5 

because my dad has been dating that girl 

for a really long time

no i'm not an only child
nothing could ever be more strikingly different
than saying i am an only child
no i don't fight with my siblings anymore

we leave the fighting to the grown ups
and they don't fight as much as you would think
but they still fight more than we can take.

and you went silent after the first sentence
so i will stop
i will stop
because divorce is a taboo

and no one knows what to say
when i say any more than i love my family.

so lets start over

"i love my family"

Never truly Homeless

Wandering these empty streets doesn't feel so lonely
because the pavement in bathed in starlight
and because these streets are littered with you

Because on nights like tonight no one is truly homeless

Because somewhere down these streets
is the park where we said goodbye
but so is the church where we said hello

Because my home hasn't been a place for years

Because home stopped being a place
when my parents stopped being together

Now home is starlight and my own rib cage
because home hasn't left my own rib cage
in at least 6 years

because home

hasn't left my own rib cage

in the last

6

years

Because home is where you feel safe
where nothing can hurt you

Because the monsters under my bed
are now demons
and they tend to rest in my head

but maybe that's a lie
because i think there was a time
when home made it into my finger tips

Because i wanted to share home with you
like you shared home with me

and you hands in mine started to feel
like home

If my heart were a house

If my heart were a home

 it would be broken

Wrenched in half 

like a doll house

It's Dysfunctionality 

displayed for all to see

One room is daddy issues

One is mommy issues

One is step dad issues

The other is girlfriend after girlfriend issues

There are school issues

And growing up issues

And I never signed up for this issues

There are abandonment issues

And there is an attic full of hope

With a window so big you could leap out of it

Or stare out all night 

and feel like a part of the night sky 

There are holes in the roof that insure this

And a constant melody of crickets 

And old rock music 

I'd like to say the moon and stars 

are in this attic

But that depends on whether or not 

you believe

And all the boards seem to be

 a worn out grey

And the roof still bears some black shingles 

Almost as if it had been nearly burnt down 

Some years ago

And who's to say it didn't 

when all seems well

It is because it's been closed up

You can still see in through the windows

Just enough

To catch a whiff of the dysfunction 

To know to steer clear 

To not undo the latch

Because it doesn't stay closed well without it 

But the gaping window in the attic

Still seems to draw some in

the warning on the box says

Do not get invested in this heart

Please keep away from small children 

And the light of heart

Take care when closing If you close it while your appendages or feelings are inside

It Can inflict pain pinched skin bruising 

and heart break

Hearts that are broken 

while this product is in use 

are not under warranty 

and users will not be compensated

do not feed this product chocolate

If product is fed chocolate 

The warranty will no longer be valid

no returns will be taken

And refunds will be minimal at best

On occasion poetry will spill out of it

do not read the poetry

please treat them like soliciting phone calls

Because if you give it hope

The calls will never end

Please do not give it poetry in return

Because No refunds or returns 

Can save you

Past that point

Odd pairs

Smiles and butterflies

Because both are fleeting 

And I always wonder if they are real

Umbrellas and skipping

Because I've never 

experienced both at the same time

Because rain 

was made to be overbearing 

just like me

Girls and video games  

Because I never thought 

having them together 

was a big deal

Anime and real life

Because no two things 

could ever be further apart

My family and outings 

Because we never seem to go out

But when we do

We call it torture

Japan and lights 

Because I never thought Japan 

would have this many lights

Water and skin

Because nothing seemed to fit better 

Until fingers become prunes

And water becomes lukewarm

Japan and me

Because I swear 

we were destined to meet 

And I don't want to go home

Pumpkin hour (I wrote this a few months ago btw)

8:00

The blood pumps newly through my veins 

I could do anything

Be anything 

Because at this hour 

I have more ambition 

then I will have through the next 24

8:30

Fighting to stay awake

 is like brushing aside a feather 

easy 

light weight

9:00

My conscience kicks in

And reminds me of the mistakes I have had throughout the day

Week

And Year

9:30

The blood pumping through my brain is hurried 

I begin to flick my fore head as images appear in my brain 

dating back to kindergarten.

10:00

Feeling blue

Because maybe 

no one else feels this way at night

10:30

Down in the dumps 

11:00

Depressed, Alone

Lonely, Alone

Lost, Alone

Empty sheets

And lingering memories 

of 

long lost dreams 

11:30

Worthless 

Because why would anyone want me

12:00

Slips into insanity

1:00

Half asleep 

mumbling 

jitters

Walking 

Eating

Light switch flipping

Door opening

Not remembering 

insanity.

2:00

All this times 10

Then passing out

When I was a kid 

my mom like to call her bedtime 

pumpkin hour 

Which to her 

was a reference to cinderella's coach

as if the night could change us all. 

But it turns out nothing changes at 10:30 

the crying stays the same 

The voices in my head stay the same 

But I stopped trying to silence them 

There is no magic spell 

that changes us within that hour

The worst part is

that we were all still people 

Not a mouse who believed 

he was a white horse for a few hours.

But a person who thought 

they could be loved for a few hours 

And I have always been one that feared 

all people would ever love 

Was the magic dress that appeared 

and vanished 

just like clock work

Listening to prayers

We paint on smiles that match our skin

And robotic voices echo through the building

They told me work 

would be my escape from home

But now I have trouble 

seeing the difference

Because I paint on a smile for you each morning

And tell you less each day

But today I found myself listening in again

I'm sorry I stopped

And I'm sorry I did

And I'm sorry I do

But I'm mostly sorry I stopped

I'm sorry that even though 

you don't realize it

My soul is older than yours on occasion

And I don't know when 

I stopped being there for you  

Because I used to listen in 

on every crying phone call 

And every heart felt prayer

But last time I knocked on your door 

Hoping you would finally realize 

I've been here all along

And you shut and locked yourself up

 deep down inside

And eventually I think I thought 

I could listen to music with headphones in

Because there was nothing to miss

I've never been ok 

putting both earbuds in my ear

Until this year

And I don't think I'll find it ok again

Because dear

No matter how much your new husband pretends

Everything is not ok

And I wanted to be the one 

you finally admitted the words

"I feel broken" to

But I wasn't

Instead it was your moms cousin 

who lives down the road

And that makes me want to cry

But I heard it mom

I heard it

And I won't miss you saying it again

And maybe when I've moved out 

You'll finally say it to me

So here's to wishes

That I finally stop painting on smiles

And let my voice ring true

Because I wouldn't be here without you

And I won't let you be alone