sand, bricks and funerals

We spend our whole lives building up for one moment

The moment we die

From the moment we are born

Every giggle
Every almost word

Every cheeky childhood action

Every date

Every chemistry partner

Every group project

Every yearbook photo

Every kiss

Every stupid joke

Every moment we have builds up and then disappears

Because people remember what they want to remember

And most of them will be nothing but dust

They will fall through the cracks

Or be swept aside

To make way

for memories that mean something

the memories that stick

become the bricks
bricks that build up the wall

That hides who you really were

Because people don’t talk about

 how she slept with her dog

At funerals

They talk about how

she was so sweet and perfect and friendly

People don’t talk about how antisocial she was

They talk about how she was so kind to everyone she met

They don’t talk about how

she believed the wind would take her away

They talk about how often she climbed trees

I’m not fond of funerals

Because funerals are for the living

But poems are sometimes for the dead

And although I fear my funeral

will be full of crying people who said I was perfect

I hope there will be someone who knows the true story

They would say I was a fighter

That I always hoped to be something more

that I love the feeling of acceleration

and in another life

I would love to be a race car driver

but in this life I lived to be a writer

because I wrote letters to the moon

and cried into the wind

when it didn’t take me with it

that I had so much to loose

but nothing to gain

because poets aren’t worth much

and I
I always wanted to be something spectacular

I hope when they turn the last page of my life

They don’t forget that

That every day I feared all I would ever be was

Mediocre

me·di·o·cre

ˌmēdēˈōkər/

adjective

1.    of only moderate quality; not very good.

"a mediocre actor"

synonyms:

ordinary, average, middling, middle-of-the-road, uninspired,undistinguished, indifferent, unexceptional, unexciting, unremarkable, run-of-the-mill, pedestrian, prosaic, lackluster, forgettable, amateur,amateurish;

Because I don’t want to be forgotten in all the lies

I don’t want to be forgotten in my perfect baby girl

I don’t want to be forgotten

Because I was always a sucker for imperfections

And I would rather that you remember

I slept for way too long

Or that I may or may not

have sucked at cooking in the past

Or that I looked really cute when I woke up

Not a pretty cute

But an adorable bead head sleepy eyes cute

That I was obsessive

That I may or may not

have stopped playing an instrument

And stopped drawing

Because someone told me I was no good.

That I read so often people wondered if I was ok

That I ate chocolate so often

My mother thought

I was giving myself health issues

That my dreams were terrifying

And messed up

and I have always wanted to forget them

But I never could.

And I’m no good at impressions

So likely no one will re member me at my funeral

My first kiss will not be there

None of my project partners will be there

No x boyfriends

Not a lot of friends either

I hope a certain one or two will show up

My family will be there

And most of them will pretend they know me

Goodbyes and lullabies

I wondered why saying goodbye Seemed so easy

And it took me a while to realize

I've had a lot of practice 

The twang of I'm sorry

The clang of its not your fault

And the pin dropping in a silent room of

I can't 

Sometimes accompanied with tears 

And a melody of whimpering 

And sometimes covered up by some cookie cutter instrumental lies

Because my goodbyes 

have always sounded a lot 

like bad country music

And the twang on my heart strings 

Always seemed a little too rough

A little too forceful 

But your goodbye 

Your goodbye was a lullaby

A plucking of heart strings 

So soft 

And so heartfelt 

I knew it was a promise

Crybaby heart

I think I've lost my mind

Because I see you in every thing 

I see your eyes in blue sky's

And your smile in the clouds

And I hear your voice in the sunset

I hear your singing accompany the crickets 

And your laugh in the wind 

And I know it's only been 3 months since you left 

And I know that means I have 21 left 

But I day dream about you

And every night my fingers ache 

Ache to be intertwined in yours 

And my heart feels just a little more alone 

Like my ribs were never really company

But mearly the bars on its crib

Because it's crying 

Because it wants to be held 

And it wants to be heard 

But I don't indulge in pity

Or making others worry 

So I'll keep the screaming at bay 

With the lullaby 

Of nearly suffocating lungs 

And rememberig to breathe 

Because I used to complain 

That I never felt hungry 

Because I missed you

But apparently 

that may just be a side affect of bronchitis 

Which I don't think I told you I had

But now my stomach is so emotionally gone that all I have is a sense of numbness 

And the only feeling left 

Is my crybaby heart

That doesn't seem to want to sleep 

Because who knows if you are safe

And who knows if you still love me

And who knows if I will make it that far

Because I hear you are losing weight 

But I'm afraid there will be nothing left to hug

And afraid you will realize 

You can do better than me

But I've taken over your family

Which was like a pacifier to my heart

And an Advil to my mind

Because I don't want you to ever stop loving me

I'm surprised

Because I never thought

I would ever like humidity this much

Because I never thought

I could last this long without you

Because days turn into weeks so fast

And rainy days seem to be the only thing 

That reasures me

Because bronchitis is a pain in the butt

And it seems to never go away

Because people are just strangers 

Until you make them into friends

And I've never been very good at that

Because a language barrier is huge

But an ocean is bigger

And seeng monkeys in the field 

And around the house

Isn't quite the same 

when the monkeys aren't people

And I am 

surprised

Just how far I've come

10U3

Love

I saw you

On my brother's fiance's car

When the mileage was halfway between

0 and 1

I saw you in the moon

And felt you in the night air

And in every bite of good food

And even in some of the bad

But most of all

I felt you in his arms

And tears

And lips

And I know you told me

You where a ghost

But I just didn't believe

Couldn't believe

Because love said 

You were real

And love whispered 

That you would never leave me

Even though I knew you had to

Love told me 

we would always have 

that awkward side hug while we walk

And I would always 

awkwardly 

curl the ends of my fingers into yours 

And you would always be there to laugh

And make funny faces

And make me feel like I am 5 again

Because let's face it 

I'm no good at growing up

Somehow I think love is right 

You will never really be gone 

Because my heart was made for 2

And my pockets will always be filled 

With pieces of you

And poems like this one

Weeds or wild flowers

We were wild flowers on the roadside

We were sunburnt 

And thirsty

I was lost mistakes 

And new dreams

I was a few goodbyes 

And fewer hellos 

I was the ghost of my school

And the clown of our house

Because painting on smiles

Became my new hobby

9th grade might as well have been a play

Because none of it felt real

Surrounded by pedigree plants

I pretended I was just one of them

But I've learned 

That pedigree plants 

don't grow on their own 

And I never wanted 

To be one of them

And painting roses red

Never changed what they were

Or what they could be

But leaving them that way

That's where it gets dangerous

So I chipped away the paint 

piece by piece  

And when I was done 

I met some people 

Who saw me as the wild flower I was

Not just a weed

Because maybe

That's how I felt.

15 days a ghost

It's only 15 days until you leave me

But I can't complain

Because you're leaving me for God

And you promised

You promised

You would be back for me in 2 years

I'll hold you to that

At 16 days you Hugged me close

And said

You where a ghost

But you felt so warm

So real

I nearly choked

Jut 15 days

15 

days

In 13 days 

I can't hug you anymore

And in 15 

I'll wish I hugged you a lot more

Once upon a time

Once upon a time 

There was a girl 

And once upon a time her heart stopped

But she didn't die

At least not as much as she wished she had

Because it started back up at full speed just moments later

She found herself 

counting her heart beats at night

And hoping the seconds between them would get longer

She would hold her breath

But only for a few seconds 

Because she feared 

one day 

she would forget to breathe

She had told ghost stories 

for as long as she could remember

But now she wishes she were one of them

She writes ghost stories

But is too afraid to share them

Mostly because 

she could never live up 

to her own nightmares 

And although she is still afraid 

to hold her breath.

She has never been scared enough 

to stop writing or telling stories

But she is 

scared enough 

To write in third person