when i go

Will time stand still without me
When I bow
will they close the curtains  
Because I'm lying
on a bed that isn't mine
And thinking
Will I ever not be here
Because home hasn't been constant
In a long time
But home has always meant family

And even though this bed isn't mine
I know they too
are sleeping on a bed
That is only half theirs
And they are less than 20ft away
And what happens
When home
isn't even a quarter home
When home is replaced with
the "apartment"
What happens
when the place i sleep
is next to a stranger
And the meals I make
Are mine
What happens
when I'm not living for them
When I'm not fighting for them

And maybe I'm just worried
How much could happen
In a year and a half
How much the beds and rooms
that aren't fully mine
Become someone else's
How much they learn to live
without me

And maybe I just want to be remembered
Maybe I don't want to be
the kid they email a few times a year
Maybe I'd rather
they left an empty room
or an empty bed
Just so I know
they are still waiting for me

Quilting and other forms of heartbreak

Let me tell you something about my parents

Let me tell you something about divorced parents

Let me tell you                    

About how no house is really home anymore

And when you hear yourself say

I’m going home

You have to ask yourself

If you will ever stop driving

Let me tell you

About how loving your parents doesn’t always mean

Together or at the same time

Or even in the same way

Let me tell you

About how going home doesn’t always mean the same place

And sometimes you say it

As you are both headed to different buildings

And how your heart aches

How you wish it wasn’t that way

How it feels like you are currently tied together

And with each step the tugging feeling gets worse

And how that

Makes you cherish your relationship that much more

Let me tell you the difference

Between having loving parents

And having loving parents

Because my parents are so solely devoted to me

So devoted to the time I spend with them

So devoted to the patch work quilt family

They are still trying to hold together

And on some days it may feel like my heart is being ripped in half

But on other days

It feels more like there is more than one heart

Beating in my chest

And those are the good days

I have never been so loved by total strangers

I believe you call them

Step parents

And step siblings

But let me tell you

With all the pain of a divorce

All the disagreements

All the terrible days

All the off days

All the bad days

I still cannot look all of you in the eyes and say

I have it worse off than you

Because I wasn’t in foster care

Torn from one place to the next

I wasn’t unloved

I wasn’t abused

I wasn’t forgotten

I have so many siblings now I don’t even dare

To try and count them

But I know them all by name

I know them all by heart

I know them all

And they know me

Let me tell you something about being a child of divorced parents

I will always be better at resolving issues

I will never be greedy

In fact I will never ask for anything

Because who would I ask

You ask your mom

She says to ask your dad

So You do

And He says to ask your mom

But you don’t know how to tell them

That you don’t really need it

You never really needed it

You just need to feel loved

So can we all just forget I asked

Slowly your forget how to ask

You forget that anything other than

Oxygen and love is needed

Let me tell you something about growing up around divorce

Your life is about learning to love

About how to make the perfect quilt

About how to thread a needle with red thread

And how to make sure you stitch all the pieces of fabric together just right

sand, bricks and funerals

We spend our whole lives building up for one moment

The moment we die

From the moment we are born

Every giggle
Every almost word

Every cheeky childhood action

Every date

Every chemistry partner

Every group project

Every yearbook photo

Every kiss

Every stupid joke

Every moment we have builds up and then disappears

Because people remember what they want to remember

And most of them will be nothing but dust

They will fall through the cracks

Or be swept aside

To make way

for memories that mean something

the memories that stick

become the bricks
bricks that build up the wall

That hides who you really were

Because people don’t talk about

 how she slept with her dog

At funerals

They talk about how

she was so sweet and perfect and friendly

People don’t talk about how antisocial she was

They talk about how she was so kind to everyone she met

They don’t talk about how

she believed the wind would take her away

They talk about how often she climbed trees

I’m not fond of funerals

Because funerals are for the living

But poems are sometimes for the dead

And although I fear my funeral

will be full of crying people who said I was perfect

I hope there will be someone who knows the true story

They would say I was a fighter

That I always hoped to be something more

that I love the feeling of acceleration

and in another life

I would love to be a race car driver

but in this life I lived to be a writer

because I wrote letters to the moon

and cried into the wind

when it didn’t take me with it

that I had so much to loose

but nothing to gain

because poets aren’t worth much

and I
I always wanted to be something spectacular

I hope when they turn the last page of my life

They don’t forget that

That every day I feared all I would ever be was

Mediocre

me·di·o·cre

ˌmēdēˈōkər/

adjective

1.    of only moderate quality; not very good.

"a mediocre actor"

synonyms:

ordinary, average, middling, middle-of-the-road, uninspired,undistinguished, indifferent, unexceptional, unexciting, unremarkable, run-of-the-mill, pedestrian, prosaic, lackluster, forgettable, amateur,amateurish;

Because I don’t want to be forgotten in all the lies

I don’t want to be forgotten in my perfect baby girl

I don’t want to be forgotten

Because I was always a sucker for imperfections

And I would rather that you remember

I slept for way too long

Or that I may or may not

have sucked at cooking in the past

Or that I looked really cute when I woke up

Not a pretty cute

But an adorable bead head sleepy eyes cute

That I was obsessive

That I may or may not

have stopped playing an instrument

And stopped drawing

Because someone told me I was no good.

That I read so often people wondered if I was ok

That I ate chocolate so often

My mother thought

I was giving myself health issues

That my dreams were terrifying

And messed up

and I have always wanted to forget them

But I never could.

And I’m no good at impressions

So likely no one will re member me at my funeral

My first kiss will not be there

None of my project partners will be there

No x boyfriends

Not a lot of friends either

I hope a certain one or two will show up

My family will be there

And most of them will pretend they know me

assumptions

people like to assume

people like to assume because i went to japan
i am a weaboo
a nerd
an "otaku"

and honestly i might have been

but now I'm a bigger fan 

of Japan's culture 

and hot spring baths

people like to assume because i'm a girl
i fight dirty

then they find out i grew up with brothers
and then they assume i am a pro wrestler

people like to assume that because i am a girl
it is also okay that i dress like one

but its not
not because i'm a tom boy
but because something inside me cries
i like cute clothes
i like girly clothes
but it hurts to wear them.

but assuming never hurt anyone

worst of all people like to assume
family is a safe topic

people like to assume
i have a little brother i quarrel with

maybe an older sister i yell at

maybe i make fun of my mom
and tell her she is old.

and honestly

its like the worst surprise
to realize

it pains people when i talk about my family

because the word divorce
is like a knife worse than any swear word

because we live in happy valley
a place where words like divorce
have practically been outlawed

those who use it ignored

and those who talk about it ostracized

because no one wants to believe
that true love can end

that their whole lives have been  a lie
that maybe one day their parents won't love each other

that maybe one day their prince charming
might not be so charming

because people like to believe divorce 

is simple
simply easy
simply evil
and simply something they will never have to worry about

and people like to assume love is easy
and people like to assume life can be simple.

so when i tell them no that's not my dad
hes just the person married to my mom
she got remarried

see there's another word

remarried

it sounds inviting until you process it and realize
what exactly it is you are getting yourself into


no shes not my sister shes not even my step sister
she is my step sisters half sister
and this is her husband

no uncle fred is not my uncle
he is not my moms uncle or my dads uncle
he is my step dads uncle
and crazy does run in the family

no its not my grandma who lives in my basement
its nanu
her real name is carol 

but so i'm making sense
it is my step dads mom

no he is not my little brother
he is my dads girlfriends son

yes i grew up with brothers
but i got 2 sisters when my mom got remarried
6 or so years ago.
no they are not babies
no they are not my half siblings
nothing is as simple as half siblings
yes they are both older than me

no i don't have one brother i have 4
but only one lives with me all the time
because 2 live with their mom
and the other lives with my dad

And you might say I have 5 

because my dad has been dating that girl 

for a really long time

no i'm not an only child
nothing could ever be more strikingly different
than saying i am an only child
no i don't fight with my siblings anymore

we leave the fighting to the grown ups
and they don't fight as much as you would think
but they still fight more than we can take.

and you went silent after the first sentence
so i will stop
i will stop
because divorce is a taboo

and no one knows what to say
when i say any more than i love my family.

so lets start over

"i love my family"

For my father

My father was the teen 

who just wanted out

Who just wanted to be done

With his family

The child who saved up his quarters 

For arcade games and soda

He was the father

Who loved his family 

His kids

His wife 

His life

And even though

He couldnt manage to keep it or himself  together

He never let go

And he never let anything 

come between him

And his family

And I will never forget 

That to him

Family was always more

And no matter what 

No matter how stupid we were

Or what choices we make 

we would always be family

And that is more

More than any girlfriend 

Any party

And any work friends 

He could ever have 

And he will always 

Be the dad who taught me to play baseball

Who took me to every game

Who bought me soda And candy 

And basically any book

Or sport equipment

I ever wanted

And the truth is I suck at sports

But I will always love them

Until the day I die

I will love them

I will be humming the tune

Take me out to the ball game

Until the day I die

Because he did 

And he bought me hot dogs

And taught me how to spit seeds

And how to be tough 

And how to throw a ball

Catch a ball 

Hit a ball

Dribble a ball

And how to be competitive

He taught me that I could do anything

my brothers could do

And I proved it 

By being the best at every sport

And by being the first child 

to start on mission papers

And even though he doesn't believe what I do

He 100 percent supports me 

and my brothers 

On going on a mission

And he supports me dating a missionary 

And working for said missionary's family

And he just wants me to be happy

And to never give up

Because he knows he taught me 

to be competitive 

for a reason

For my mother

My mom was the woman 

who grew up so fast 

she forgot to do the growing

The teen who loved the rebel life 

But never really took part in it

The girl that beat up the boys on the playground

And never wanted to date anyone

Now she's the woman 

who was abandoned

Now Never truly appreciated

And never truly done

because she 

has passed elementary school 

and middle school 

twice now

And she has her son's graduation to prove it

She runs her daughter to work every day

And convinces her to actually buy clothing 

Instead of always getting rid of it

She also happens to be 

the part time therapist

Of her mother in law 

Who lives in her basement

She is a motivational speaker

To her 20 year old son

Who could be so much more

And she never stopped trying

because she doesn't want to let go

And even though 

I may disagree with her

from time to time

I will always respect her

for how far she's come

And for never giving up

And I owe her this

Odd pairs

Smiles and butterflies

Because both are fleeting 

And I always wonder if they are real

Umbrellas and skipping

Because I've never 

experienced both at the same time

Because rain 

was made to be overbearing 

just like me

Girls and video games  

Because I never thought 

having them together 

was a big deal

Anime and real life

Because no two things 

could ever be further apart

My family and outings 

Because we never seem to go out

But when we do

We call it torture

Japan and lights 

Because I never thought Japan 

would have this many lights

Water and skin

Because nothing seemed to fit better 

Until fingers become prunes

And water becomes lukewarm

Japan and me

Because I swear 

we were destined to meet 

And I don't want to go home

Pumpkin hour (I wrote this a few months ago btw)

8:00

The blood pumps newly through my veins 

I could do anything

Be anything 

Because at this hour 

I have more ambition 

then I will have through the next 24

8:30

Fighting to stay awake

 is like brushing aside a feather 

easy 

light weight

9:00

My conscience kicks in

And reminds me of the mistakes I have had throughout the day

Week

And Year

9:30

The blood pumping through my brain is hurried 

I begin to flick my fore head as images appear in my brain 

dating back to kindergarten.

10:00

Feeling blue

Because maybe 

no one else feels this way at night

10:30

Down in the dumps 

11:00

Depressed, Alone

Lonely, Alone

Lost, Alone

Empty sheets

And lingering memories 

of 

long lost dreams 

11:30

Worthless 

Because why would anyone want me

12:00

Slips into insanity

1:00

Half asleep 

mumbling 

jitters

Walking 

Eating

Light switch flipping

Door opening

Not remembering 

insanity.

2:00

All this times 10

Then passing out

When I was a kid 

my mom like to call her bedtime 

pumpkin hour 

Which to her 

was a reference to cinderella's coach

as if the night could change us all. 

But it turns out nothing changes at 10:30 

the crying stays the same 

The voices in my head stay the same 

But I stopped trying to silence them 

There is no magic spell 

that changes us within that hour

The worst part is

that we were all still people 

Not a mouse who believed 

he was a white horse for a few hours.

But a person who thought 

they could be loved for a few hours 

And I have always been one that feared 

all people would ever love 

Was the magic dress that appeared 

and vanished 

just like clock work

Stone garden

Once I stumbled upon a stone garden

I hoped there would be more 

But there were only sad people

Reading sad names

And making sad faces

There were words Etched into stone 

In sad spots 

and sad places

Some of them had fought in a war

Where as others 

just couldn't take it anymore

Some never managed to be accepted

And others appeared as if they were only here to be tested

Some stones had cradles 

And rocking horses 

Stamped in them

Buried by there parents 

who only wished

They could still tap morse code to them as they slumbered in their bellies

Because that was all they got.

I wandered for a bit

But didn't stay for long

Because one day 

I'll have my own garden

And I can't imagine what words

will find their way

Into my stone

And to be honest

I'm afraid 

Afraid no words will find their way

And all I'll ever be is a blank slate

My mother said she wants to be cremated

But I promised her 

either way she will be under the dirt

And I will find her a stone

And I will carve in words

Because people were made

To be remembered.

Listening to prayers

We paint on smiles that match our skin

And robotic voices echo through the building

They told me work 

would be my escape from home

But now I have trouble 

seeing the difference

Because I paint on a smile for you each morning

And tell you less each day

But today I found myself listening in again

I'm sorry I stopped

And I'm sorry I did

And I'm sorry I do

But I'm mostly sorry I stopped

I'm sorry that even though 

you don't realize it

My soul is older than yours on occasion

And I don't know when 

I stopped being there for you  

Because I used to listen in 

on every crying phone call 

And every heart felt prayer

But last time I knocked on your door 

Hoping you would finally realize 

I've been here all along

And you shut and locked yourself up

 deep down inside

And eventually I think I thought 

I could listen to music with headphones in

Because there was nothing to miss

I've never been ok 

putting both earbuds in my ear

Until this year

And I don't think I'll find it ok again

Because dear

No matter how much your new husband pretends

Everything is not ok

And I wanted to be the one 

you finally admitted the words

"I feel broken" to

But I wasn't

Instead it was your moms cousin 

who lives down the road

And that makes me want to cry

But I heard it mom

I heard it

And I won't miss you saying it again

And maybe when I've moved out 

You'll finally say it to me

So here's to wishes

That I finally stop painting on smiles

And let my voice ring true

Because I wouldn't be here without you

And I won't let you be alone