heart beat

My heart is beating out of my chest

Pounding like a hundred stomping

Parading elephants

Like the beating of a hummingbird's wings

Like it was never really broken

The pounding all too familiar

Like the night before every first day of school

Like elementary school field trip excitement

Like Christmas Eve night

Like the boy you love wanted to kiss you

Beating

My head is buzzing bubbling

Like its full of bees

But also bubbling hot lava

And possibly a rabid raccoon

like that was a great movie

Like I just kissed the boy I love

Like family problems unresolved

And I haven't gotten

a full nights sleep all week.

But I still have two months to go

And I'm kind of worried it won't go away

But mostly I'm worried

Worried because

my heart has been rebuilt so many times

and I'm not sure if it can take the pressure

The layers of duct tape and superglue

Will only hold for so long

But I think my heart has forgotten it's broken

It's been treated fairly well

for the last two years

And I don't think it knows what it is doing yet

Because each pump feels a little more like

Waiting to break

But I'll buy some more duct tape

in the morning

And while I'm at it

I'll pick up more superglue

A list of interesting facts

A list of interesting facts about turtles

Turtles are reptiles

According to the internet and apparently science 

turtles have been on the earth from more than 

200 million years

It is also said that the earliest turtles had teeth 

Like one day the world stopped fighting them

So in turn they forgot what it felt like to fight back

Turtles spend most of their lives in water

They are adapted for aquatic life with webbed feet or flippers

Fresh water turtles leave the water every once in a while 

to sunbathe

sea turtles only leave to lay eggs

turtles lay eggs

A turtle’s shell develops from its ribs

And is an adaptation to protect against predators

It’s shell is made up of 60 bones 

that are covered by plates

which ironically enough are made of 

the same thing as our fingernails

like instead of learning how to fight 

they just built up the layers around their heart instead

but still all these adaptations earned it a spot 

to live on almost every continent

humans are not turtles

according to science we may have adapted to have less hair

and therefore have a harder time staying warm

we may have adapted to be smarter

but according to scriptures we don’t live for as long as we used to

still against all odds 

here we are

nothing but a few bones between our hearts 

and our predators

nothing but a few hairs

between our skin

and the cold winter air

nothing but love 

between our souls

 and heartbreak

and call me crazy but I’ve never heard 

of a turtle that died from heartbreak

But I obviously don’t know much about turtles

What I do know 

Is how fragile the human existence has become

Instead of fighting wars

We tend to be fighting trends

Or stereotypes

Or statistics

Instead of protecting

We tend to be fighting just to stay alive

Because we are the only species to develop suicide

And I’ve started to notice not a lot of our adaptations 

Are real adaptations

According to the internet an adaptation is 

a change or the process of change by which 

an organism or species becomes

 better suited to its environment.

Its almost as if we were adapted to have weaker ribs 

And an inclination toward heartbreak

So maybe we aren’t adapting

Maybe this is us circling the drain

I mean I know we are no turtles

But don’t you think we could try a little more defense 

And a little less offence

By offence I mean 

offensive

I mean Gkys jokes

I mean a lack of common decency

I mean a lack of caring

What happened to the generation that cared

And couldn’t we be that

Couldn’t we stop for one minute

And think 

Before we act

I guess i'm just trying to say

Sometimes I get pretty tired of being human

Hearts and the color red

People paint on smiles 

Thick 

And red

Red

Like the blood 

We all still bleed

And the cartoon hearts we have all seen

And maybe it's because you think 

It shows you're human 

But blood isn't thick

And hearts were probably never even red anyways

Because I remember seeing one

 in a video in 5th grade

And I think it was really just a fleshy color

But I was a little too freaked out 

to pick up specifics 

But maybe that's all we are

 fleshy colored people

 inside and out

With a lot of red liquid that keeps our fragile little hearts beating

But we all still pretend our hearts are red Because red is strong 

And red is fearless

Because red gets things done

Because red is beautiful 

So we say our hearts are red

And we paint on red smiles

So people know

That we are strong 

Inside and out

But we are really pink

Not a cute pink 

A fleshy pale almost yellow pink

And I doubt we have ever been another color

But don't fear

Because we all still bleed red 

We all still bleed

Red

And just because our hearts aren't red 

Doesn't mean 

we don't have strength

 and courage

And love 

 flowing through our veins 

Because we do

And even though we are all 

just a little more human 

than we want to be

We can still be strong 

If my heart were a house

If my heart were a home

 it would be broken

Wrenched in half 

like a doll house

It's Dysfunctionality 

displayed for all to see

One room is daddy issues

One is mommy issues

One is step dad issues

The other is girlfriend after girlfriend issues

There are school issues

And growing up issues

And I never signed up for this issues

There are abandonment issues

And there is an attic full of hope

With a window so big you could leap out of it

Or stare out all night 

and feel like a part of the night sky 

There are holes in the roof that insure this

And a constant melody of crickets 

And old rock music 

I'd like to say the moon and stars 

are in this attic

But that depends on whether or not 

you believe

And all the boards seem to be

 a worn out grey

And the roof still bears some black shingles 

Almost as if it had been nearly burnt down 

Some years ago

And who's to say it didn't 

when all seems well

It is because it's been closed up

You can still see in through the windows

Just enough

To catch a whiff of the dysfunction 

To know to steer clear 

To not undo the latch

Because it doesn't stay closed well without it 

But the gaping window in the attic

Still seems to draw some in

the warning on the box says

Do not get invested in this heart

Please keep away from small children 

And the light of heart

Take care when closing If you close it while your appendages or feelings are inside

It Can inflict pain pinched skin bruising 

and heart break

Hearts that are broken 

while this product is in use 

are not under warranty 

and users will not be compensated

do not feed this product chocolate

If product is fed chocolate 

The warranty will no longer be valid

no returns will be taken

And refunds will be minimal at best

On occasion poetry will spill out of it

do not read the poetry

please treat them like soliciting phone calls

Because if you give it hope

The calls will never end

Please do not give it poetry in return

Because No refunds or returns 

Can save you

Past that point

Goodbyes and lullabies

I wondered why saying goodbye Seemed so easy

And it took me a while to realize

I've had a lot of practice 

The twang of I'm sorry

The clang of its not your fault

And the pin dropping in a silent room of

I can't 

Sometimes accompanied with tears 

And a melody of whimpering 

And sometimes covered up by some cookie cutter instrumental lies

Because my goodbyes 

have always sounded a lot 

like bad country music

And the twang on my heart strings 

Always seemed a little too rough

A little too forceful 

But your goodbye 

Your goodbye was a lullaby

A plucking of heart strings 

So soft 

And so heartfelt 

I knew it was a promise

Crybaby heart

I think I've lost my mind

Because I see you in every thing 

I see your eyes in blue sky's

And your smile in the clouds

And I hear your voice in the sunset

I hear your singing accompany the crickets 

And your laugh in the wind 

And I know it's only been 3 months since you left 

And I know that means I have 21 left 

But I day dream about you

And every night my fingers ache 

Ache to be intertwined in yours 

And my heart feels just a little more alone 

Like my ribs were never really company

But mearly the bars on its crib

Because it's crying 

Because it wants to be held 

And it wants to be heard 

But I don't indulge in pity

Or making others worry 

So I'll keep the screaming at bay 

With the lullaby 

Of nearly suffocating lungs 

And rememberig to breathe 

Because I used to complain 

That I never felt hungry 

Because I missed you

But apparently 

that may just be a side affect of bronchitis 

Which I don't think I told you I had

But now my stomach is so emotionally gone that all I have is a sense of numbness 

And the only feeling left 

Is my crybaby heart

That doesn't seem to want to sleep 

Because who knows if you are safe

And who knows if you still love me

And who knows if I will make it that far

Because I hear you are losing weight 

But I'm afraid there will be nothing left to hug

And afraid you will realize 

You can do better than me

But I've taken over your family

Which was like a pacifier to my heart

And an Advil to my mind

Because I don't want you to ever stop loving me

Once upon a time

Once upon a time 

There was a girl 

And once upon a time her heart stopped

But she didn't die

At least not as much as she wished she had

Because it started back up at full speed just moments later

She found herself 

counting her heart beats at night

And hoping the seconds between them would get longer

She would hold her breath

But only for a few seconds 

Because she feared 

one day 

she would forget to breathe

She had told ghost stories 

for as long as she could remember

But now she wishes she were one of them

She writes ghost stories

But is too afraid to share them

Mostly because 

she could never live up 

to her own nightmares 

And although she is still afraid 

to hold her breath.

She has never been scared enough 

to stop writing or telling stories

But she is 

scared enough 

To write in third person

Word painting (trying something different)

A girl leaves foot prints of red 

but Her feet are not bleeding

Because the world can't hurt Her

But her connection to the earth 

has been severed

And her soul is bleeding 

Out of the soles of her feet

She feels lost 

because she appears to be surrounded

by a maze of red footprints 

where she has already walked In circles 

again 

and again 

and again

The trees are brown 

The leaves are green

The earth is white

And the people are grey

They leave no footprints

But whatever color she had 

left When her soul started to bleed out

And even though she suspects she is lost

And knows she won't be found

Something keeps her feet moving

And something 

stops her soul from healing

But something keeps her blood flowing

And she suspects it is her heart

one day she found a new set of footprints

They were blue

And they were cold

But they were there

She followed them to the boy 

with a broken heart

And patched up his heart 

before he bled out

And even though their footprints 

never stopped

And the world seemed just as white
and just as full of grey people

And they still had no idea where their
feet were trying to take them

They knew they would make it there together