God I'd like to hear a poem

God I want to hear a poem 

I want to hear a poem 

about Roads and streets 

and how people never liked spiders

 but somehow 

they're still building their own webs

God I want to hear a poem 

about snow 

about how each flake is different 

about the way you manage that

God I want to hear a poem

 about rain and how it graces all of us 

just not at the same time 

or in the same way

God I want to hear a poem 

about Rivers 

I want to hear a poem 

about how Rivers 

caress the mountains 

as they make their way down them

God I want to hear a poem 

about the way the sunlight 

goes through the clouds 

and what you'd call that

God I want to hear a poem 

about the way trees grow 

and how they die 

and how each one of them was made

God I want to hear a poem 

about this earth you made 

And The things you love about it 

I want to hear a poem 

about how the rivers run 

and how the sky is constantly

 in motion

God I want to hear a poem 

about us about these little things 

and how week we are 

but how we can do great things

God I want to hear a poem

about the boy I love 

and where he is 

and how he's doing 

because God I want to hear a poem 

about him and how you made him 

because God I don't know 

how you managed 

to make someone so perfect 

because God 

I want to hear about him

God I want to hear a poem about whether or not he thinks about me 

as much as I think about him 

because I'm always thinking 

about him 

God i'd like to hear a poem 

about how you see our love story 

partly because 

it might be a great love story 

from your point of view

 but mostly because 

I just love to hear how it's going

God I'd really just love to hear a poem

 It doesn't have to be about him 

and it doesn't have to be about us 

I'd just like to hear a poem

God I'd like to think 

that you could write me a poem

 I'd like to think 

that you have a way with words 

but God I really don't care 

I'd just like to see some effort

 I'd really like to hear a poem 

I'd like to hear a poem about hope 

about something to hope for 

because God 

I don't think I have a lot of that 

but God I think 

you've given me so many opportunities 

I think I need to have hope 

And God

 if you could write a poem about hope what would it sound like

My brand of poetry

I used to write cute poetry

About growing up

And good friends

And loneliness 

Now I write about my 

introverted tendencies 

And death

And divorce

And I'm left to wonder

Is it really poetry

Two years ago

My poetry still rhymed 

Last year 

Poetry was home

Now 

poetry is life

I am nothing without my words

But they seem so inconsistent 

A list of interesting facts

A list of interesting facts about turtles

Turtles are reptiles

According to the internet and apparently science 

turtles have been on the earth from more than 

200 million years

It is also said that the earliest turtles had teeth 

Like one day the world stopped fighting them

So in turn they forgot what it felt like to fight back

Turtles spend most of their lives in water

They are adapted for aquatic life with webbed feet or flippers

Fresh water turtles leave the water every once in a while 

to sunbathe

sea turtles only leave to lay eggs

turtles lay eggs

A turtle’s shell develops from its ribs

And is an adaptation to protect against predators

It’s shell is made up of 60 bones 

that are covered by plates

which ironically enough are made of 

the same thing as our fingernails

like instead of learning how to fight 

they just built up the layers around their heart instead

but still all these adaptations earned it a spot 

to live on almost every continent

humans are not turtles

according to science we may have adapted to have less hair

and therefore have a harder time staying warm

we may have adapted to be smarter

but according to scriptures we don’t live for as long as we used to

still against all odds 

here we are

nothing but a few bones between our hearts 

and our predators

nothing but a few hairs

between our skin

and the cold winter air

nothing but love 

between our souls

 and heartbreak

and call me crazy but I’ve never heard 

of a turtle that died from heartbreak

But I obviously don’t know much about turtles

What I do know 

Is how fragile the human existence has become

Instead of fighting wars

We tend to be fighting trends

Or stereotypes

Or statistics

Instead of protecting

We tend to be fighting just to stay alive

Because we are the only species to develop suicide

And I’ve started to notice not a lot of our adaptations 

Are real adaptations

According to the internet an adaptation is 

a change or the process of change by which 

an organism or species becomes

 better suited to its environment.

Its almost as if we were adapted to have weaker ribs 

And an inclination toward heartbreak

So maybe we aren’t adapting

Maybe this is us circling the drain

I mean I know we are no turtles

But don’t you think we could try a little more defense 

And a little less offence

By offence I mean 

offensive

I mean Gkys jokes

I mean a lack of common decency

I mean a lack of caring

What happened to the generation that cared

And couldn’t we be that

Couldn’t we stop for one minute

And think 

Before we act

I guess i'm just trying to say

Sometimes I get pretty tired of being human

Quilting and other forms of heartbreak

Let me tell you something about my parents

Let me tell you something about divorced parents

Let me tell you                    

About how no house is really home anymore

And when you hear yourself say

I’m going home

You have to ask yourself

If you will ever stop driving

Let me tell you

About how loving your parents doesn’t always mean

Together or at the same time

Or even in the same way

Let me tell you

About how going home doesn’t always mean the same place

And sometimes you say it

As you are both headed to different buildings

And how your heart aches

How you wish it wasn’t that way

How it feels like you are currently tied together

And with each step the tugging feeling gets worse

And how that

Makes you cherish your relationship that much more

Let me tell you the difference

Between having loving parents

And having loving parents

Because my parents are so solely devoted to me

So devoted to the time I spend with them

So devoted to the patch work quilt family

They are still trying to hold together

And on some days it may feel like my heart is being ripped in half

But on other days

It feels more like there is more than one heart

Beating in my chest

And those are the good days

I have never been so loved by total strangers

I believe you call them

Step parents

And step siblings

But let me tell you

With all the pain of a divorce

All the disagreements

All the terrible days

All the off days

All the bad days

I still cannot look all of you in the eyes and say

I have it worse off than you

Because I wasn’t in foster care

Torn from one place to the next

I wasn’t unloved

I wasn’t abused

I wasn’t forgotten

I have so many siblings now I don’t even dare

To try and count them

But I know them all by name

I know them all by heart

I know them all

And they know me

Let me tell you something about being a child of divorced parents

I will always be better at resolving issues

I will never be greedy

In fact I will never ask for anything

Because who would I ask

You ask your mom

She says to ask your dad

So You do

And He says to ask your mom

But you don’t know how to tell them

That you don’t really need it

You never really needed it

You just need to feel loved

So can we all just forget I asked

Slowly your forget how to ask

You forget that anything other than

Oxygen and love is needed

Let me tell you something about growing up around divorce

Your life is about learning to love

About how to make the perfect quilt

About how to thread a needle with red thread

And how to make sure you stitch all the pieces of fabric together just right

when people ask...

When people ask what I am

I like to say I am a writer

Not because I understand plot

Or because I make the most realistic characters

Because I don’t

When people ask

I like to say I am a writer

Because poets breathe air back and forth

between earth and the heavens

inspiration filling their lungs

and making its way through their veins

and sometimes it feels like my breath

doesn’t even reach the stratosphere

like its left somewhere in the clouds

wondering where it all went wrong

when people ask

I say I am a writer

Because poets break spines with words

And I

I tug at heart strings

When people ask

I say I am a ghost

Because popularity never looked my way

Because I was never talented enough

to draw a crowd

Because I was never more

Because I was never a poet

When people ask

I like to say

That writing was etched into my every cell

That writing flows through my veins

like ink mixing with blood

When people ask

I say

That maybe it’s not poetry

Because maybe

it’s just my heart

When people ask

I say it’s ok

I always liked the view from the clouds anyways

When people ask what I am

I like to say I am a writer

Because I can’t imagine anything nobler

Because even if

 the angels and I never shared oxygen

I was born to be a writer

Born to be irrational

Born to be a spectator

But sometimes I swear

My voice makes it to the stratosphere

And that is something worth mention

sand, bricks and funerals

We spend our whole lives building up for one moment

The moment we die

From the moment we are born

Every giggle
Every almost word

Every cheeky childhood action

Every date

Every chemistry partner

Every group project

Every yearbook photo

Every kiss

Every stupid joke

Every moment we have builds up and then disappears

Because people remember what they want to remember

And most of them will be nothing but dust

They will fall through the cracks

Or be swept aside

To make way

for memories that mean something

the memories that stick

become the bricks
bricks that build up the wall

That hides who you really were

Because people don’t talk about

 how she slept with her dog

At funerals

They talk about how

she was so sweet and perfect and friendly

People don’t talk about how antisocial she was

They talk about how she was so kind to everyone she met

They don’t talk about how

she believed the wind would take her away

They talk about how often she climbed trees

I’m not fond of funerals

Because funerals are for the living

But poems are sometimes for the dead

And although I fear my funeral

will be full of crying people who said I was perfect

I hope there will be someone who knows the true story

They would say I was a fighter

That I always hoped to be something more

that I love the feeling of acceleration

and in another life

I would love to be a race car driver

but in this life I lived to be a writer

because I wrote letters to the moon

and cried into the wind

when it didn’t take me with it

that I had so much to loose

but nothing to gain

because poets aren’t worth much

and I
I always wanted to be something spectacular

I hope when they turn the last page of my life

They don’t forget that

That every day I feared all I would ever be was

Mediocre

me·di·o·cre

ˌmēdēˈōkər/

adjective

1.    of only moderate quality; not very good.

"a mediocre actor"

synonyms:

ordinary, average, middling, middle-of-the-road, uninspired,undistinguished, indifferent, unexceptional, unexciting, unremarkable, run-of-the-mill, pedestrian, prosaic, lackluster, forgettable, amateur,amateurish;

Because I don’t want to be forgotten in all the lies

I don’t want to be forgotten in my perfect baby girl

I don’t want to be forgotten

Because I was always a sucker for imperfections

And I would rather that you remember

I slept for way too long

Or that I may or may not

have sucked at cooking in the past

Or that I looked really cute when I woke up

Not a pretty cute

But an adorable bead head sleepy eyes cute

That I was obsessive

That I may or may not

have stopped playing an instrument

And stopped drawing

Because someone told me I was no good.

That I read so often people wondered if I was ok

That I ate chocolate so often

My mother thought

I was giving myself health issues

That my dreams were terrifying

And messed up

and I have always wanted to forget them

But I never could.

And I’m no good at impressions

So likely no one will re member me at my funeral

My first kiss will not be there

None of my project partners will be there

No x boyfriends

Not a lot of friends either

I hope a certain one or two will show up

My family will be there

And most of them will pretend they know me

guide to being an introvert

a simple guide to being introverted for extroverts and ambiverts

you know the feeling of 

i can wait to go out this weekend

I'm so excited to go to this place

i cant wait i'm going to call my bff

i'm going to stay out all night

its going to be crazy

well I don't

when the clock hits 11:30 am on a Friday my first thoughts are 

"i cant wait to curl up on my couch 

in my bed 

and most certainly alone with a book or netflix near by."

you know how you love shopping with a good friend.

how its fun to window shop

how you were never really interested in buying something 

but you were just glad to be there.

I don't

i will go shopping if there is something specific i want 

i go shopping alone

because more often than not

people talk me into buying things i don't need

you know that one time 

you struck up a conversation about the weather

or with a stranger on a bus

remember when you had that lab partner 

and you ended up having more to talk about than you thought.

I don't 

i get confused and offended 

when a lab partner strays from the task at hand to be social.

and talking just because you are near someone 

doesn't make sense

and as far as talking about the weather goes

you both can feel the weather.

how is it not considered stating the obvious

you know parties

how do you stand them

the food bought to cater to everyone's tastes 

and never really fitting any one person

the forced contact with strangers

that may or may not know the people you know

and the knowledge that falling asleep on the couch 

would be social suicide at best

and maybe all i wanted was a cup of hot cocoa 

and maybe i can only handle groups of people 7 and under

and maybe 4 was always best.

because inside jokes will always leave someone confused

and there will always be that one kid 

who never played that video game

i will go out to see a movie and go out to eat

but to be honest most of the time 

i would rather be home with one or two people

with easy access to a bedroom 

that no one else uses.

when i was a kid my hobbies included

being able to play with my brother 

without being interrupted by the neighbors

reading a book 12 ft up in a tree

and being so high up 

that the wind makes the branches under me sway 

i am a dog person 

 for the same reason i don't like talking to people

because small talk feels so insincere 

and no one will ever genuinely appreciate you
as much as your dog will

and you can laugh but being overly social feels so fake
and I like being Real

assumptions

people like to assume

people like to assume because i went to japan
i am a weaboo
a nerd
an "otaku"

and honestly i might have been

but now I'm a bigger fan 

of Japan's culture 

and hot spring baths

people like to assume because i'm a girl
i fight dirty

then they find out i grew up with brothers
and then they assume i am a pro wrestler

people like to assume that because i am a girl
it is also okay that i dress like one

but its not
not because i'm a tom boy
but because something inside me cries
i like cute clothes
i like girly clothes
but it hurts to wear them.

but assuming never hurt anyone

worst of all people like to assume
family is a safe topic

people like to assume
i have a little brother i quarrel with

maybe an older sister i yell at

maybe i make fun of my mom
and tell her she is old.

and honestly

its like the worst surprise
to realize

it pains people when i talk about my family

because the word divorce
is like a knife worse than any swear word

because we live in happy valley
a place where words like divorce
have practically been outlawed

those who use it ignored

and those who talk about it ostracized

because no one wants to believe
that true love can end

that their whole lives have been  a lie
that maybe one day their parents won't love each other

that maybe one day their prince charming
might not be so charming

because people like to believe divorce 

is simple
simply easy
simply evil
and simply something they will never have to worry about

and people like to assume love is easy
and people like to assume life can be simple.

so when i tell them no that's not my dad
hes just the person married to my mom
she got remarried

see there's another word

remarried

it sounds inviting until you process it and realize
what exactly it is you are getting yourself into


no shes not my sister shes not even my step sister
she is my step sisters half sister
and this is her husband

no uncle fred is not my uncle
he is not my moms uncle or my dads uncle
he is my step dads uncle
and crazy does run in the family

no its not my grandma who lives in my basement
its nanu
her real name is carol 

but so i'm making sense
it is my step dads mom

no he is not my little brother
he is my dads girlfriends son

yes i grew up with brothers
but i got 2 sisters when my mom got remarried
6 or so years ago.
no they are not babies
no they are not my half siblings
nothing is as simple as half siblings
yes they are both older than me

no i don't have one brother i have 4
but only one lives with me all the time
because 2 live with their mom
and the other lives with my dad

And you might say I have 5 

because my dad has been dating that girl 

for a really long time

no i'm not an only child
nothing could ever be more strikingly different
than saying i am an only child
no i don't fight with my siblings anymore

we leave the fighting to the grown ups
and they don't fight as much as you would think
but they still fight more than we can take.

and you went silent after the first sentence
so i will stop
i will stop
because divorce is a taboo

and no one knows what to say
when i say any more than i love my family.

so lets start over

"i love my family"

Moths and Butterflies

My childhood was full of debates

was a fox a kind of dog or a kind of cat
why are only baby ducks yellow
and how do they change colors anyways
how do blue and yellow mix to make green
which came first the chicken or the egg
why is it that wearing mittens
helped me sleep through cold nights
how do allergys work
why are mirrors not see through

but the one that stuck with me the longest was

moths and butterflies

my first impression was that moths were boy butterflies
but maybe they were old butterflies
then i found out certain caterpillars
grow up to be certain moths or certain butterflies
and then i wondered

do caterpillars know weather or not they will become a moth or a butterfly
do they get disappointed when they come out a moth

why do moths fly around at night if they like light so much

are butterflies cocky
why don't they fly around at night
can moths see in the dark better
are butterflies rude to moths

is that why moths only fly around at night

if i were a caterpillar
would i grow up to be a moth or a butterfly

nocturnal teenager jokes aside
I like night time
and i have never felt like a beautiful butterfly
maybe a slightly pretty moth
if I'm lucky
I'm not good at confrontation
and i enjoy naps in the sun

but it took me a long time to accept
that it's okay
to not be a butterfly
Because moths can be pretty too

Hearts and the color red

People paint on smiles 

Thick 

And red

Red

Like the blood 

We all still bleed

And the cartoon hearts we have all seen

And maybe it's because you think 

It shows you're human 

But blood isn't thick

And hearts were probably never even red anyways

Because I remember seeing one

 in a video in 5th grade

And I think it was really just a fleshy color

But I was a little too freaked out 

to pick up specifics 

But maybe that's all we are

 fleshy colored people

 inside and out

With a lot of red liquid that keeps our fragile little hearts beating

But we all still pretend our hearts are red Because red is strong 

And red is fearless

Because red gets things done

Because red is beautiful 

So we say our hearts are red

And we paint on red smiles

So people know

That we are strong 

Inside and out

But we are really pink

Not a cute pink 

A fleshy pale almost yellow pink

And I doubt we have ever been another color

But don't fear

Because we all still bleed red 

We all still bleed

Red

And just because our hearts aren't red 

Doesn't mean 

we don't have strength

 and courage

And love 

 flowing through our veins 

Because we do

And even though we are all 

just a little more human 

than we want to be

We can still be strong 

Homeless man.

I can feel my baggy boy jeans 

falling just short of covering up 

my red and blue angels socks.

I can feel that my beanie 

Gives me the appearance 

of homeless man rather than a skater 

And once again the jeans aren't helping

And if only my socks wouldn't show

I don't wear makeup

I have skin like a war zone

My eyelashes were always too short 

My face too big for my eyes

My chin too defined

My face plagued by moles

My upper arms too big

My hair has split ends

And refuses to lay flat

And I bruise way too easy

Every day I feel like a hobo

And quite frankly look like one

But some how you love me anyways 

I hate being called perfect

But I could never tell you not to

Because maybe I like the world you see

And I'm afraid 

you'll get your vision checked

Because no Tinted lenses 

No smudged glasses

And no colored contacts 

Could make me look nearly as good 

As you see me now

(Guys I swear I'm working on something better than this and I know I haven't posted in a long while. but, I needed to fill the gap with something)

(^~^)/* goodbye for now.

Stone garden

Once I stumbled upon a stone garden

I hoped there would be more 

But there were only sad people

Reading sad names

And making sad faces

There were words Etched into stone 

In sad spots 

and sad places

Some of them had fought in a war

Where as others 

just couldn't take it anymore

Some never managed to be accepted

And others appeared as if they were only here to be tested

Some stones had cradles 

And rocking horses 

Stamped in them

Buried by there parents 

who only wished

They could still tap morse code to them as they slumbered in their bellies

Because that was all they got.

I wandered for a bit

But didn't stay for long

Because one day 

I'll have my own garden

And I can't imagine what words

will find their way

Into my stone

And to be honest

I'm afraid 

Afraid no words will find their way

And all I'll ever be is a blank slate

My mother said she wants to be cremated

But I promised her 

either way she will be under the dirt

And I will find her a stone

And I will carve in words

Because people were made

To be remembered.

Word painting (trying something different)

A girl leaves foot prints of red 

but Her feet are not bleeding

Because the world can't hurt Her

But her connection to the earth 

has been severed

And her soul is bleeding 

Out of the soles of her feet

She feels lost 

because she appears to be surrounded

by a maze of red footprints 

where she has already walked In circles 

again 

and again 

and again

The trees are brown 

The leaves are green

The earth is white

And the people are grey

They leave no footprints

But whatever color she had 

left When her soul started to bleed out

And even though she suspects she is lost

And knows she won't be found

Something keeps her feet moving

And something 

stops her soul from healing

But something keeps her blood flowing

And she suspects it is her heart

one day she found a new set of footprints

They were blue

And they were cold

But they were there

She followed them to the boy 

with a broken heart

And patched up his heart 

before he bled out

And even though their footprints 

never stopped

And the world seemed just as white
and just as full of grey people

And they still had no idea where their
feet were trying to take them

They knew they would make it there together