Being open

We talked the other day 

and you said we have to be 

open with each other

But I couldn't help but think 

About how I've never 

been open with anyone

The closest I've been to being open

Was writing in a notebook 

It wasn't like I didn't want to talk

But it was like 

every time I found the words

They got caught in my throat 

And never found their way to my tung

Like there was a dream catcher 

in my throat 

Like there was a filter on my voice

Like my brain 

stopped my heart and mouth

From communicating 

Because we dated for a year

And I know 

I did not say I love you enough

Because I told you I loved my dad

But not that every girl he dated weighed on my heart

That every one was a migraine 

That every kiss was another tear

That would make its way down my cheek the next night

Because I told you 

My mom can be frustrating 

But I never told you

That she never thought anything I did 

was adequate 

That I was never good enough

Never pretty enough

My skin was never clear enough

My hair never strait enough

My appearance never tidy enough

An my sense of style

Never pretty enough.

But I was her perfect daughter 

And each time she said it

I felt the wall around my heart grow

A string added 

to the dream catcher in my throat

The memory of what it sounds like

To lie to yourself reinforced 

Because the look in her eyes 

Was always so genuine 

Because I told you

I lost my dog

But I never told you

That it was my fault

That I said it was ok

That she was old

That she was in pain

That she was blind 

That it was for the best

And I never told you

How her final breaths sounded

How they sounded like freedom

Like they were merely her soul

Leaving that broken body

That her body was warm

And how I knew so firmly 

it was still her

But that I knew she was not inside it

That her satin soft ears 

still felt the same

As the day my dad and I 

picked her out.

I never told you I named her

I never told you 

She was the one I talked to

Because the dream catcher 

in my throat 

never caught her on the radar 

I never told you for two months 

I pretended I was ok

But didn't eat or sleep

Never left my room 

for anything more

Than school

I didn't tell you

The smiles hurt my cheek muscles 

And my heart was constantly aching 

And every word 

tasted like a lie on my tung

And I viciously caught you with

Jinks you owe me a soda

Because it distracted me 

From real feelings

In fact I did it twice 

But you must have seen something 

Because 

The next day 

you showed up at my door

With two sodas 

With two of my favorite sodas 

You didn't stick around 

for the aftermath 

And I'm glad

Because I cried 

I cried for the first time in weeks 

Not about my dog

Not about my own despair 

Not from the gaping hole in my chest

And stomach 

And numbness in my limbs

Because I sobbed twenty four seven

I slept with a dog collar clutched to the holes by long lost limbs

My body curled around itself 

like a cinnamon roll

Flipping over the pillow ever few hours in hopes it wouldn't stay soggy

Tissues were of no help

But they seemed to litter my room anyways

Most nights I just wandered 

down to the kitchen 

So I could sit at the table 

And look out the window and door 

Where I would have seen her

I would cry some more

And then move myself to the couch just in time to pass out 

at 5 in the morning 

7:30 alarm goes off

Quick throw away the tissues

Wash your face 

Put on make up

Make sure no one can tell

Practice smiling in the mirror 

Cry a little more

I told you

That my life was not all 

sunshine and rainbows 

I told you divorce was hard

But I don't tell you

They way my dad looked 

The way his hands trembled

the way His lip curled 

The way the tears 

found their way to his cheeks 

Like water rising from the ground

Like gravity lost its hold on rain

Like everything had been flipped upside down 

As he said

I'm leaving 

I told you the divorce was harder 

on my older brother

But I never told you

The way he cried at night 

Like his head was about to burst

With the sound

of his world shattering around him

When he thought 

no one could hear him

I never told you

The way I constantly 

worried about him

The way I still worry about him

The way

His heart broke

And the sound it made 

And the way it never truly healed

Because 

if anyone deserves happiness 

He does

Because divorce was his disease 

And now it's his shadow

I told you mark was a good guy

But I never told you

He was also hypocritical

And condescending 

And how his motivational speeches 

Felt more like sandpaper 

wearing me down 

Than a river forming me 

How I don't think he respects anyone 

Or at least not as much as he should

And he never trusted me

And how that was the worst feeling

And it took everything 

To keep myself from crying 

Because 

That shouldn't be a big deal

I told you I love my step brothers

But I never told you 

I would do anything for them

That I know they will always be family

And that I would help them 

bury a body

If I needed to

I told you family is everything 

And I meant it

But I never told you

I wanted you to be family too

I wanted you to be more than family 

I wanted you to be the one 

I told you I wasn't that good at talking 

And you found my blog

So thank you. 

Quilting and other forms of heartbreak

Let me tell you something about my parents

Let me tell you something about divorced parents

Let me tell you                    

About how no house is really home anymore

And when you hear yourself say

I’m going home

You have to ask yourself

If you will ever stop driving

Let me tell you

About how loving your parents doesn’t always mean

Together or at the same time

Or even in the same way

Let me tell you

About how going home doesn’t always mean the same place

And sometimes you say it

As you are both headed to different buildings

And how your heart aches

How you wish it wasn’t that way

How it feels like you are currently tied together

And with each step the tugging feeling gets worse

And how that

Makes you cherish your relationship that much more

Let me tell you the difference

Between having loving parents

And having loving parents

Because my parents are so solely devoted to me

So devoted to the time I spend with them

So devoted to the patch work quilt family

They are still trying to hold together

And on some days it may feel like my heart is being ripped in half

But on other days

It feels more like there is more than one heart

Beating in my chest

And those are the good days

I have never been so loved by total strangers

I believe you call them

Step parents

And step siblings

But let me tell you

With all the pain of a divorce

All the disagreements

All the terrible days

All the off days

All the bad days

I still cannot look all of you in the eyes and say

I have it worse off than you

Because I wasn’t in foster care

Torn from one place to the next

I wasn’t unloved

I wasn’t abused

I wasn’t forgotten

I have so many siblings now I don’t even dare

To try and count them

But I know them all by name

I know them all by heart

I know them all

And they know me

Let me tell you something about being a child of divorced parents

I will always be better at resolving issues

I will never be greedy

In fact I will never ask for anything

Because who would I ask

You ask your mom

She says to ask your dad

So You do

And He says to ask your mom

But you don’t know how to tell them

That you don’t really need it

You never really needed it

You just need to feel loved

So can we all just forget I asked

Slowly your forget how to ask

You forget that anything other than

Oxygen and love is needed

Let me tell you something about growing up around divorce

Your life is about learning to love

About how to make the perfect quilt

About how to thread a needle with red thread

And how to make sure you stitch all the pieces of fabric together just right

assumptions

people like to assume

people like to assume because i went to japan
i am a weaboo
a nerd
an "otaku"

and honestly i might have been

but now I'm a bigger fan 

of Japan's culture 

and hot spring baths

people like to assume because i'm a girl
i fight dirty

then they find out i grew up with brothers
and then they assume i am a pro wrestler

people like to assume that because i am a girl
it is also okay that i dress like one

but its not
not because i'm a tom boy
but because something inside me cries
i like cute clothes
i like girly clothes
but it hurts to wear them.

but assuming never hurt anyone

worst of all people like to assume
family is a safe topic

people like to assume
i have a little brother i quarrel with

maybe an older sister i yell at

maybe i make fun of my mom
and tell her she is old.

and honestly

its like the worst surprise
to realize

it pains people when i talk about my family

because the word divorce
is like a knife worse than any swear word

because we live in happy valley
a place where words like divorce
have practically been outlawed

those who use it ignored

and those who talk about it ostracized

because no one wants to believe
that true love can end

that their whole lives have been  a lie
that maybe one day their parents won't love each other

that maybe one day their prince charming
might not be so charming

because people like to believe divorce 

is simple
simply easy
simply evil
and simply something they will never have to worry about

and people like to assume love is easy
and people like to assume life can be simple.

so when i tell them no that's not my dad
hes just the person married to my mom
she got remarried

see there's another word

remarried

it sounds inviting until you process it and realize
what exactly it is you are getting yourself into


no shes not my sister shes not even my step sister
she is my step sisters half sister
and this is her husband

no uncle fred is not my uncle
he is not my moms uncle or my dads uncle
he is my step dads uncle
and crazy does run in the family

no its not my grandma who lives in my basement
its nanu
her real name is carol 

but so i'm making sense
it is my step dads mom

no he is not my little brother
he is my dads girlfriends son

yes i grew up with brothers
but i got 2 sisters when my mom got remarried
6 or so years ago.
no they are not babies
no they are not my half siblings
nothing is as simple as half siblings
yes they are both older than me

no i don't have one brother i have 4
but only one lives with me all the time
because 2 live with their mom
and the other lives with my dad

And you might say I have 5 

because my dad has been dating that girl 

for a really long time

no i'm not an only child
nothing could ever be more strikingly different
than saying i am an only child
no i don't fight with my siblings anymore

we leave the fighting to the grown ups
and they don't fight as much as you would think
but they still fight more than we can take.

and you went silent after the first sentence
so i will stop
i will stop
because divorce is a taboo

and no one knows what to say
when i say any more than i love my family.

so lets start over

"i love my family"

Hearts and the color red

People paint on smiles 

Thick 

And red

Red

Like the blood 

We all still bleed

And the cartoon hearts we have all seen

And maybe it's because you think 

It shows you're human 

But blood isn't thick

And hearts were probably never even red anyways

Because I remember seeing one

 in a video in 5th grade

And I think it was really just a fleshy color

But I was a little too freaked out 

to pick up specifics 

But maybe that's all we are

 fleshy colored people

 inside and out

With a lot of red liquid that keeps our fragile little hearts beating

But we all still pretend our hearts are red Because red is strong 

And red is fearless

Because red gets things done

Because red is beautiful 

So we say our hearts are red

And we paint on red smiles

So people know

That we are strong 

Inside and out

But we are really pink

Not a cute pink 

A fleshy pale almost yellow pink

And I doubt we have ever been another color

But don't fear

Because we all still bleed red 

We all still bleed

Red

And just because our hearts aren't red 

Doesn't mean 

we don't have strength

 and courage

And love 

 flowing through our veins 

Because we do

And even though we are all 

just a little more human 

than we want to be

We can still be strong 

If my heart were a house

If my heart were a home

 it would be broken

Wrenched in half 

like a doll house

It's Dysfunctionality 

displayed for all to see

One room is daddy issues

One is mommy issues

One is step dad issues

The other is girlfriend after girlfriend issues

There are school issues

And growing up issues

And I never signed up for this issues

There are abandonment issues

And there is an attic full of hope

With a window so big you could leap out of it

Or stare out all night 

and feel like a part of the night sky 

There are holes in the roof that insure this

And a constant melody of crickets 

And old rock music 

I'd like to say the moon and stars 

are in this attic

But that depends on whether or not 

you believe

And all the boards seem to be

 a worn out grey

And the roof still bears some black shingles 

Almost as if it had been nearly burnt down 

Some years ago

And who's to say it didn't 

when all seems well

It is because it's been closed up

You can still see in through the windows

Just enough

To catch a whiff of the dysfunction 

To know to steer clear 

To not undo the latch

Because it doesn't stay closed well without it 

But the gaping window in the attic

Still seems to draw some in

the warning on the box says

Do not get invested in this heart

Please keep away from small children 

And the light of heart

Take care when closing If you close it while your appendages or feelings are inside

It Can inflict pain pinched skin bruising 

and heart break

Hearts that are broken 

while this product is in use 

are not under warranty 

and users will not be compensated

do not feed this product chocolate

If product is fed chocolate 

The warranty will no longer be valid

no returns will be taken

And refunds will be minimal at best

On occasion poetry will spill out of it

do not read the poetry

please treat them like soliciting phone calls

Because if you give it hope

The calls will never end

Please do not give it poetry in return

Because No refunds or returns 

Can save you

Past that point