when i go

Will time stand still without me
When I bow
will they close the curtains  
Because I'm lying
on a bed that isn't mine
And thinking
Will I ever not be here
Because home hasn't been constant
In a long time
But home has always meant family

And even though this bed isn't mine
I know they too
are sleeping on a bed
That is only half theirs
And they are less than 20ft away
And what happens
When home
isn't even a quarter home
When home is replaced with
the "apartment"
What happens
when the place i sleep
is next to a stranger
And the meals I make
Are mine
What happens
when I'm not living for them
When I'm not fighting for them

And maybe I'm just worried
How much could happen
In a year and a half
How much the beds and rooms
that aren't fully mine
Become someone else's
How much they learn to live
without me

And maybe I just want to be remembered
Maybe I don't want to be
the kid they email a few times a year
Maybe I'd rather
they left an empty room
or an empty bed
Just so I know
they are still waiting for me

heart beat

My heart is beating out of my chest

Pounding like a hundred stomping

Parading elephants

Like the beating of a hummingbird's wings

Like it was never really broken

The pounding all too familiar

Like the night before every first day of school

Like elementary school field trip excitement

Like Christmas Eve night

Like the boy you love wanted to kiss you

Beating

My head is buzzing bubbling

Like its full of bees

But also bubbling hot lava

And possibly a rabid raccoon

like that was a great movie

Like I just kissed the boy I love

Like family problems unresolved

And I haven't gotten

a full nights sleep all week.

But I still have two months to go

And I'm kind of worried it won't go away

But mostly I'm worried

Worried because

my heart has been rebuilt so many times

and I'm not sure if it can take the pressure

The layers of duct tape and superglue

Will only hold for so long

But I think my heart has forgotten it's broken

It's been treated fairly well

for the last two years

And I don't think it knows what it is doing yet

Because each pump feels a little more like

Waiting to break

But I'll buy some more duct tape

in the morning

And while I'm at it

I'll pick up more superglue

God I'd like to hear a poem

God I want to hear a poem 

I want to hear a poem 

about Roads and streets 

and how people never liked spiders

 but somehow 

they're still building their own webs

God I want to hear a poem 

about snow 

about how each flake is different 

about the way you manage that

God I want to hear a poem

 about rain and how it graces all of us 

just not at the same time 

or in the same way

God I want to hear a poem 

about Rivers 

I want to hear a poem 

about how Rivers 

caress the mountains 

as they make their way down them

God I want to hear a poem 

about the way the sunlight 

goes through the clouds 

and what you'd call that

God I want to hear a poem 

about the way trees grow 

and how they die 

and how each one of them was made

God I want to hear a poem 

about this earth you made 

And The things you love about it 

I want to hear a poem 

about how the rivers run 

and how the sky is constantly

 in motion

God I want to hear a poem 

about us about these little things 

and how week we are 

but how we can do great things

God I want to hear a poem

about the boy I love 

and where he is 

and how he's doing 

because God I want to hear a poem 

about him and how you made him 

because God I don't know 

how you managed 

to make someone so perfect 

because God 

I want to hear about him

God I want to hear a poem about whether or not he thinks about me 

as much as I think about him 

because I'm always thinking 

about him 

God i'd like to hear a poem 

about how you see our love story 

partly because 

it might be a great love story 

from your point of view

 but mostly because 

I just love to hear how it's going

God I'd really just love to hear a poem

 It doesn't have to be about him 

and it doesn't have to be about us 

I'd just like to hear a poem

God I'd like to think 

that you could write me a poem

 I'd like to think 

that you have a way with words 

but God I really don't care 

I'd just like to see some effort

 I'd really like to hear a poem 

I'd like to hear a poem about hope 

about something to hope for 

because God 

I don't think I have a lot of that 

but God I think 

you've given me so many opportunities 

I think I need to have hope 

And God

 if you could write a poem about hope what would it sound like