Drowning

Coming home was like
entertaining an alternate universe
Little brothers are now taller than you
Family is a lot more broken
 than you’ve ever seen it before

But your bed reverted back to its 8 year old self
And you hoped
you’d never see that shade of purple
again

And everyone treats you just the same
And

It’s almost like time stood still

Your room is still mostly in order

Your Room is still mostly your room

But it was also converted from your cage
To your mothers sanctuary

And your not quite sure how to feel about that
And your not quite sure how you feel
About divorce

But your also not quite sure
How you feel about drowning
Because that’s what it was

And your family slowly starts to realize
Something is different

And you just don’t want it to be different

And you miss the same

But the same hurts a lot too
And you can only circle the drain for so long
Before you decide you don’t like swimming
And I’ve never been very good at swimming

And I still remember what it feels like
To gasp for breath
And find only water
To fill my lungs

But back then I thought it was just a cough
A mishap
A fluke

Because that was normal

And I’m glad I get to set a new normal

Because the more distance I put
Between me and before
The more the things that stayed the same
Feel like drowning

However the more I feel
the family that still loves me
That waited for me
That fought alone while I was gone
That was drowning for so long
Without me
The more I feel that their love is still the same
And that is like breathing

Burning bridges

You’ve been trying to cross bridges
That I burned down long ago
You’ve been stumbling in the
trenches of my sorrow

And I can see it hurts
I know it hurts

But honey

Don’t you see

Your the reason they are here

Bridges burnt down by your own carelessness
And granted I filled the gap with sorrows
But wasn’t it about time
you got a taste of your own medicine

Because I may have shut the door
But darling
Your the reason
I took extra precautions
Your the reason
I left things that way

But if you really felt sorry
If for even a moment you actually felt sorry
You would realize
It’s not your own sorrow your drowning in
It’s not your bridges that burnt down

You merely wandered a little too far
And wandered into the mess you left me in
The mess I ran from

And I don’t blame you if you hurt

It hurt me too

But just know
What you felt
Was splashing in the shallow end
Maybe some of it got in your eyes

But you will never understand
The pain and tears that filled those trenches
Because a lot of it is gone

But I remember choking on it

And your little fit

Well Honey

It’s cute.

 Im just not sure what this poem is about

Because maybe its about love

And how i feel so much better when you are around

But you arent here

Maybe its about frustration

And how fallign asleep seems as easy

as balancing on one foot while the other is above my head

How counting sheep turns to counting frustrations

And words i wanted to say

But was too mature to say

And how the words held back itch in my throat

About how its hard being the adult

Especially when the acutal audults are acting like children.

But maybe it should be about pinky pormises

And how i promised you i would try to sleep

Or how i thought writing this poem would help me sleep

Perhaps it could take the spin of

how bad my spelling gets after 1 am

Or how thereputic writing on a keyboard is

Or why that is

But for nnow its a jumbled mess of

Im tired

mostly Im just tired of being the mature adult

But someone has to be.