Drowning

Coming home was like
entertaining an alternate universe
Little brothers are now taller than you
Family is a lot more broken
 than you’ve ever seen it before

But your bed reverted back to its 8 year old self
And you hoped
you’d never see that shade of purple
again

And everyone treats you just the same
And

It’s almost like time stood still

Your room is still mostly in order

Your Room is still mostly your room

But it was also converted from your cage
To your mothers sanctuary

And your not quite sure how to feel about that
And your not quite sure how you feel
About divorce

But your also not quite sure
How you feel about drowning
Because that’s what it was

And your family slowly starts to realize
Something is different

And you just don’t want it to be different

And you miss the same

But the same hurts a lot too
And you can only circle the drain for so long
Before you decide you don’t like swimming
And I’ve never been very good at swimming

And I still remember what it feels like
To gasp for breath
And find only water
To fill my lungs

But back then I thought it was just a cough
A mishap
A fluke

Because that was normal

And I’m glad I get to set a new normal

Because the more distance I put
Between me and before
The more the things that stayed the same
Feel like drowning

However the more I feel
the family that still loves me
That waited for me
That fought alone while I was gone
That was drowning for so long
Without me
The more I feel that their love is still the same
And that is like breathing