my 1700 brick wall and its indisputable eventual fall.

My wall started 

in elementary school

When I realized 

The opposite gender 

no longer enjoyed my company

A brick for each person 

who stopped talking to me

5

I added to my wall when

My dad said he was leaving

One brick for each day of middle school with out a normal family

1095

Makes 1100 bricks

One for each time my little brother insulted me

And one for each time I insulted him back

around 123

A brick for my first relationship

And another for each kiss we shared

Around 78

A brick for my first break up

And a brick for each day until I got over them

4

Making a 1305 brick wall

A brick for my mom getting remarried 

And another for each time 

I've been mad at him

5

A brick for the day I found out 

my second boyfriend 

was dating my best friend

And another for when I found out 

he lied to her

1312 bricks

A brick for the person 

who wouldn't leave me alone

Who believed there was no way 

I didn't love them 

And a brick for every day I had to put up with them 

364

a brick for the day i finally told them i didn't

A brick for each day they ignored my existence 

and pretended I wasn't right in front of them

14

A brick for the day you were jealous 

and started talking to me again because I made a new friend

A brick because they were in a relationship 

but I didn't want to tell you that

Making a 1694 brick wall

A brick for the boy who asked me to prom and then got a girlfriend a week after

A brick for the two people i couldn't go to homecoming with 

because i was already in a relationship

A brick for each time I had to tell my brother I had a boyfriend 

3

Making my current 1701 brick wall

But you made it through it all

You scaled the wall

And made it past my radar

And now I'm stuck

Letting you in

Your at the top

Just close enough 

To see over

But far enough

To think I'm still a mystery

But I'm starting to fear

the wrong word

The wrong sentence 

Will start to sound like a beckoning call

For after one step

You'll fall

You'll fall all too fast

And my wall will fall too

And there will be no going back 

I won't be your perfect strong but fragile love

I'll be your broken 

But fixed love 

The kind held together by duct tape 

This is not a poem about breakups

This is not a poem about breakups 

Because we were never together

This is not a poem about losing my chance

Because I never loved you

This is a poem about 

How you thought you loved me

How it took me until the Ends of the earth

To prove to you

That you never loved me

This is a poem

About how I'm glad your gone

But hate feeling like the enemy

This is a poem

About lost days

Where I thought we could be friends

This is a poem

About how you pretended to care

Pretended to apologize

To make your friends forgive you

And I respect that

But the words from your mouth 

Don't even ring in my ears anymore

You might as well be talking to an empty room

Because I don't need what you bring

Promises and apologies 

You will soon break

And then apologize for again

Once your over yourself

I understand we can't get along anymore

Because you were too dumb to realize

You didn't even love me 

Let alone get along with me

This is a poem about regret

Because I didn't want to be the villain 

This is a poem of frustration

Because I never should have needed to be

This is a poem of pity

Because I don't have the heart to care

About anything to do with you anymore

And with this poem

I'm done

The loss of my best friend, the one covered in fur

I never realized 

Until you were gone

That I'm no good at being alone

Your comforting presence 

And warm kisses

I took them all for granted

Now my life is full of holes

In the places you used to be

I still can't believe your gone

When I look out that window

My eyes automatically search for you 

Only to realize once again 

that you are gone

Your gone and you can't come back

And now I have to learn

...How to live without you...

love and the loss of my brain

i mentioned earlier 
that love is a part 
of what makes us human

but at the same time
its more than that
but also less than that

love is what we desperately hope for
but try to push away

because what if
it were truly just a dream
just a wish

just something made up 
by hippies driven by drugs

and what if its real
oh if its real
were all doomed

because what if you missed your chance 
and what if its too late

but heres the truth about love
it will be there when you least expect it

its not something you breath in 
or something in the air
its something inside of each of us

just like when my parents truth fully said 
they loved each other
i can say that i love hot chocolate
in fact i can say i'm in love with hot chocolate

because hot cocoa has no say in my feelings for it
there is no force telling me 
hot cocoa is attractive or hot or delicious
its my personal opinion

but maybe one day i will win a contest
and because i love hot chocolate more than anyone else on the planet
i will get to jump into the worlds largest mug of hot cocoa 
and drink all i want

and maybe i will discover that hot cocoa 
should be served cold if intended to drink
and spend time in the hospital due to third degree burns
maybe i will learn 
i'm not as good at swimming as i thought
and also spend time in the hospital 

and maybe just maybe i will stop loving hot cocoa

but that doesn't mean that i didn't love hot cocoa 
or that that love wasn't real
it simply means that i don't see it the same way anymore

which is why you don't truly deeply love someone 
until you learn to love their faults

because love is not in the air 
its something inside you
and even though loving someone is not always your choice
working for that love is

love is genuine caring 
and believing that that person
faults and all
is important
and that you want to spend your time with them
that you want to make them smile 
to make them happy
that you want that person to rely on you

love isnt a great force out in the world
but a great force within you that no one truly understands yet
because you cannot program a robot to love
and it is far from logical 
i can only assume that 
rather than love being some stupid chemical in the brain
it is a part of you
a part of you that 
like a drug
tells your brain to be happy or sad or confused or strait out dumb founded

because love is hard complex 
and definitely not a part of science or math

because no matter how science tries to define it
it dosent make sense
if it were science 
love would make us happy
just happy

if it were math 
one person plus another 
gives you three 
because two people can make a baby

i know im far from qualified 
to tell you that science and math 
have nothing on love
but if my brain could contain love
i wouldn't feel like someone turns it off 
whenever i'm near you 
like i'm running on the fumes
of past thoughs
past words

like i can never say the right things
or talk enough
i would never feel like i needed to open up to you
because i dont feel like i need to to speak my mind to anyone else

The paradise in emotions

What makes us human? 

The answer is our imperfections

We have the same logic as a robot 

we can both do simple math 

and problem solving

But if someone told a robot

I love you

It wouldn't be able to respond back

Because love is imperfection 

Love is taking the long way home

Just so you can talk to them longer

Even though it's far from logical

Love is falling for a stranger 

And realizing 

That that is all they ever were

Love is breaking logic

But it's not the only thing that does

Sadness or depression 

Can keep you home

When logic tells you

You need to be productive

And nervous tendencies tell you 

that the movie can and will hurt you

Or maybe that it's not even worth trying

All these emotions and more 

Break through our logic

And turn us into a mess

But with out it we wouldn't be the same

I wouldn't have arms covered in ink

Because logic tells me 

It's a waste of time to write it on my skin before copying it down

I wouldn't spend as much time alone 

Because logic would tell me 

to go out and do things

I wouldn't eat as much

Because logic would tell me

That someday my metabolism 

will catch up with me

And that I should just prepare for it now

I wouldn't sit and look up at the sky

And most definitely not from the roof

Because logic would tell me 

that it's the same sky I see every night

And that if I fell it wouldn't be worth it

But that's the thing about being human

You get to choose weather or not

To listen to logic 

And it's endless requests 

you get To be dumb and happy 

and sad and embarrassed and nervous 

sometimes even all at the same time

And that is what it means to be human

Sunsets and silence

The earth is burning

The sun is dying

Underneath 

the clouds are lying

Promising more rainy days

Ensuring that the moisture stays

But humanity is lost

They'll fight at any cost

The never ending violence 

And I'll never find my silence

love, killing in its natural way

My body sprawled on my bed 

Like a dead man 

shot through the head

My lungs stil breathing

Heart still beating

I'm trying 

to figure out it's meaning

And praying 

that it doesn't break

For after the loss of my head 

My heart is the only thing left to take

You've robbed me of my sanity 

And so I beg you now 

Please leave me my humanity 

I don't care who you think you are

But love 

you'll be the death of me

a daisy and other unimportant things

As a child

I picked flowers

I mean Didn't we all

The boys 

picked flowers for their mothers

the girls 

picked flowers for their hair

But what most of us didn't know 

was the difference between

A flower 

and a weed

To us they were all pretty

Weather they were made by god 

Or a special kind of fertilizer 

Made no difference

Weather the seeds were 

Made by scientists 

Or other flowers 

Also didn't matter

They were all flowers to us 

No matter what our parents told us

To this day 

my favorite flower

Is the daisy

A flower which many mistake

For a weed

It wasn't born to be a weed

It wasn't born to overgrow and overtake

In the way weeds do naturally

It was born to be a flower

But according to some 

Failed miserably 

But still the daisy 

continues to grow

And if I can brighten up someone's world

Then I'm ok with being 

A daisy

I always felt as a child 

that I could become anything

Only I found out that I was born to be 

A daisy

A simple flower 

that doesn't shine bright 

or sell out quickly in greenhouses

But it can tell a story

And if we  

could all become children again

You just might start to like me too