when i go

Will time stand still without me
When I bow
will they close the curtains  
Because I'm lying
on a bed that isn't mine
And thinking
Will I ever not be here
Because home hasn't been constant
In a long time
But home has always meant family

And even though this bed isn't mine
I know they too
are sleeping on a bed
That is only half theirs
And they are less than 20ft away
And what happens
When home
isn't even a quarter home
When home is replaced with
the "apartment"
What happens
when the place i sleep
is next to a stranger
And the meals I make
Are mine
What happens
when I'm not living for them
When I'm not fighting for them

And maybe I'm just worried
How much could happen
In a year and a half
How much the beds and rooms
that aren't fully mine
Become someone else's
How much they learn to live
without me

And maybe I just want to be remembered
Maybe I don't want to be
the kid they email a few times a year
Maybe I'd rather
they left an empty room
or an empty bed
Just so I know
they are still waiting for me

heart beat

My heart is beating out of my chest

Pounding like a hundred stomping

Parading elephants

Like the beating of a hummingbird's wings

Like it was never really broken

The pounding all too familiar

Like the night before every first day of school

Like elementary school field trip excitement

Like Christmas Eve night

Like the boy you love wanted to kiss you

Beating

My head is buzzing bubbling

Like its full of bees

But also bubbling hot lava

And possibly a rabid raccoon

like that was a great movie

Like I just kissed the boy I love

Like family problems unresolved

And I haven't gotten

a full nights sleep all week.

But I still have two months to go

And I'm kind of worried it won't go away

But mostly I'm worried

Worried because

my heart has been rebuilt so many times

and I'm not sure if it can take the pressure

The layers of duct tape and superglue

Will only hold for so long

But I think my heart has forgotten it's broken

It's been treated fairly well

for the last two years

And I don't think it knows what it is doing yet

Because each pump feels a little more like

Waiting to break

But I'll buy some more duct tape

in the morning

And while I'm at it

I'll pick up more superglue

God I'd like to hear a poem

God I want to hear a poem 

I want to hear a poem 

about Roads and streets 

and how people never liked spiders

 but somehow 

they're still building their own webs

God I want to hear a poem 

about snow 

about how each flake is different 

about the way you manage that

God I want to hear a poem

 about rain and how it graces all of us 

just not at the same time 

or in the same way

God I want to hear a poem 

about Rivers 

I want to hear a poem 

about how Rivers 

caress the mountains 

as they make their way down them

God I want to hear a poem 

about the way the sunlight 

goes through the clouds 

and what you'd call that

God I want to hear a poem 

about the way trees grow 

and how they die 

and how each one of them was made

God I want to hear a poem 

about this earth you made 

And The things you love about it 

I want to hear a poem 

about how the rivers run 

and how the sky is constantly

 in motion

God I want to hear a poem 

about us about these little things 

and how week we are 

but how we can do great things

God I want to hear a poem

about the boy I love 

and where he is 

and how he's doing 

because God I want to hear a poem 

about him and how you made him 

because God I don't know 

how you managed 

to make someone so perfect 

because God 

I want to hear about him

God I want to hear a poem about whether or not he thinks about me 

as much as I think about him 

because I'm always thinking 

about him 

God i'd like to hear a poem 

about how you see our love story 

partly because 

it might be a great love story 

from your point of view

 but mostly because 

I just love to hear how it's going

God I'd really just love to hear a poem

 It doesn't have to be about him 

and it doesn't have to be about us 

I'd just like to hear a poem

God I'd like to think 

that you could write me a poem

 I'd like to think 

that you have a way with words 

but God I really don't care 

I'd just like to see some effort

 I'd really like to hear a poem 

I'd like to hear a poem about hope 

about something to hope for 

because God 

I don't think I have a lot of that 

but God I think 

you've given me so many opportunities 

I think I need to have hope 

And God

 if you could write a poem about hope what would it sound like

Being open

We talked the other day 

and you said we have to be 

open with each other

But I couldn't help but think 

About how I've never 

been open with anyone

The closest I've been to being open

Was writing in a notebook 

It wasn't like I didn't want to talk

But it was like 

every time I found the words

They got caught in my throat 

And never found their way to my tung

Like there was a dream catcher 

in my throat 

Like there was a filter on my voice

Like my brain 

stopped my heart and mouth

From communicating 

Because we dated for a year

And I know 

I did not say I love you enough

Because I told you I loved my dad

But not that every girl he dated weighed on my heart

That every one was a migraine 

That every kiss was another tear

That would make its way down my cheek the next night

Because I told you 

My mom can be frustrating 

But I never told you

That she never thought anything I did 

was adequate 

That I was never good enough

Never pretty enough

My skin was never clear enough

My hair never strait enough

My appearance never tidy enough

An my sense of style

Never pretty enough.

But I was her perfect daughter 

And each time she said it

I felt the wall around my heart grow

A string added 

to the dream catcher in my throat

The memory of what it sounds like

To lie to yourself reinforced 

Because the look in her eyes 

Was always so genuine 

Because I told you

I lost my dog

But I never told you

That it was my fault

That I said it was ok

That she was old

That she was in pain

That she was blind 

That it was for the best

And I never told you

How her final breaths sounded

How they sounded like freedom

Like they were merely her soul

Leaving that broken body

That her body was warm

And how I knew so firmly 

it was still her

But that I knew she was not inside it

That her satin soft ears 

still felt the same

As the day my dad and I 

picked her out.

I never told you I named her

I never told you 

She was the one I talked to

Because the dream catcher 

in my throat 

never caught her on the radar 

I never told you for two months 

I pretended I was ok

But didn't eat or sleep

Never left my room 

for anything more

Than school

I didn't tell you

The smiles hurt my cheek muscles 

And my heart was constantly aching 

And every word 

tasted like a lie on my tung

And I viciously caught you with

Jinks you owe me a soda

Because it distracted me 

From real feelings

In fact I did it twice 

But you must have seen something 

Because 

The next day 

you showed up at my door

With two sodas 

With two of my favorite sodas 

You didn't stick around 

for the aftermath 

And I'm glad

Because I cried 

I cried for the first time in weeks 

Not about my dog

Not about my own despair 

Not from the gaping hole in my chest

And stomach 

And numbness in my limbs

Because I sobbed twenty four seven

I slept with a dog collar clutched to the holes by long lost limbs

My body curled around itself 

like a cinnamon roll

Flipping over the pillow ever few hours in hopes it wouldn't stay soggy

Tissues were of no help

But they seemed to litter my room anyways

Most nights I just wandered 

down to the kitchen 

So I could sit at the table 

And look out the window and door 

Where I would have seen her

I would cry some more

And then move myself to the couch just in time to pass out 

at 5 in the morning 

7:30 alarm goes off

Quick throw away the tissues

Wash your face 

Put on make up

Make sure no one can tell

Practice smiling in the mirror 

Cry a little more

I told you

That my life was not all 

sunshine and rainbows 

I told you divorce was hard

But I don't tell you

They way my dad looked 

The way his hands trembled

the way His lip curled 

The way the tears 

found their way to his cheeks 

Like water rising from the ground

Like gravity lost its hold on rain

Like everything had been flipped upside down 

As he said

I'm leaving 

I told you the divorce was harder 

on my older brother

But I never told you

The way he cried at night 

Like his head was about to burst

With the sound

of his world shattering around him

When he thought 

no one could hear him

I never told you

The way I constantly 

worried about him

The way I still worry about him

The way

His heart broke

And the sound it made 

And the way it never truly healed

Because 

if anyone deserves happiness 

He does

Because divorce was his disease 

And now it's his shadow

I told you mark was a good guy

But I never told you

He was also hypocritical

And condescending 

And how his motivational speeches 

Felt more like sandpaper 

wearing me down 

Than a river forming me 

How I don't think he respects anyone 

Or at least not as much as he should

And he never trusted me

And how that was the worst feeling

And it took everything 

To keep myself from crying 

Because 

That shouldn't be a big deal

I told you I love my step brothers

But I never told you 

I would do anything for them

That I know they will always be family

And that I would help them 

bury a body

If I needed to

I told you family is everything 

And I meant it

But I never told you

I wanted you to be family too

I wanted you to be more than family 

I wanted you to be the one 

I told you I wasn't that good at talking 

And you found my blog

So thank you. 

The boy who buys me roses

The boy who buys me roses

To the boy who buys me roses

I will ask for nothing 

and you gave me it all

I asked for weeds 

and you gave me roses

You sing me songs 

And I wrote poetry

Because boys who gives roses instead of weeds 

are boys to deserve 

to be written about

I asked for friendship 

and you gave me romance

I asked for humor

And you delivered

But you gave me some 

genuine caring to go with it

 I asked for a chat 

and you gave me soul-searching

I asked for a leaf and you gave me a necklace

Dear Rose buying boy

I know I didn't ask for much

But I still have to thank you for delivering

My brand of poetry

I used to write cute poetry

About growing up

And good friends

And loneliness 

Now I write about my 

introverted tendencies 

And death

And divorce

And I'm left to wonder

Is it really poetry

Two years ago

My poetry still rhymed 

Last year 

Poetry was home

Now 

poetry is life

I am nothing without my words

But they seem so inconsistent