sorry me again (this time its easier i swear)

sorry for making this so difficult i just wanted to make sure you guys actually wanted to know. (i have terrible self esteem) thanks to those who went through the work of the code. im sorry to those who had trouble with it thank you for trying though. (you guys can thank polly baker for this because shes awesome)

if you really knew me you would know that i work at wendys

that i have 2 dogs but one lives in heaven

you would know that my parents divorced when i was in 6th grade

if you really knew me you would know that i don't tell a people a lot of things and keep them bottled up or in writing. which is why this whole giving in to telling the truth thing is really hard for me.

if you really knew me you would know 2/3 of my friends are guys and the remaining portion is mainly composed of girls who play videogames.

my name is mallary gardner

and this is me

thank you all so much 

letting go of the ghost inside and deciding to live (one last puzzle)

I am Casper Wyatt 

I am

I am afraid

But I'm also fearless

I am the girl who wishes she were a ghost

But is also afraid that's all she'll ever be

I am the girl who had a mental and emotional breakdown 

after the death of her dog. 

And still never shuts up about it

I am the girl who can never seem

to give people a strait answer

Not even on day one

So here's another puzzle

I am the girl who sings along to songs at midnight 

and cries as the lyrics turn to prayers

I am the girl who acts like a guy

Playing sports and video games 

and wearing her brothers hand-me-downs out of choice

I am the girl with 4 brothers 

and 2 sisters I almost never hear from

I am the girl who wanted to believe

From the very beginning 

After a short while I could tell 

that Santa and the tooth fairy 

and wishing on dandelions

and birthday candles were all a lie

But I wanted something to believe in

So I tied the blindfold myself

tied it so tight 

my eyelids couldn't even flicker open

But like all things 

one day it had to be removed

On the day my father left

But I still want to believe

So I'll still wish on the moon and stars

As I murmur the broken melody of my choral bible

I'm the girl with a police officer as a dad

And another one for a step father

I'm the girl held together by duct tape

And if you really want to know who I am

You'll have to follow this puzzle until the end

Line 7 letter 18

Line 9 letter 21

Line 10 letter 10

Line 14 letter 10

Line 16 letter 14

Line 17 letter 11

Line 22 letter 11

Line 27 letter 19

Line 32 letter 5

Line 32 letter 16

Line 33 letter 6

Line 35 letter 12

Line 38 letter 20

Line 41 letter 9

i'd also like to thank everyone for reading and posting this semester has been amazing 

heres a special thanks to some people who have supported my blog by commenting (which was the awesomest thing ever)

jane adams

charli davis

flat stanley 

jane q porter

nelson

charlotte rose

timothy kelly

Everet mills

hancock

euphorophile

carina cooper

luna lovegood

diane arbus

polly baker

alice s blackwell

navy skye

joan le pucelle

alec webb

sgt pepper

hobbit

malcolm carter

twiggy

hook

douglas malloch

thank you all for your support

I remember. An ode to my brother

I remember 

I remember when we were young 
You were my best friend 
and we slept in each others arms

We woke up early to watch tv
I remember that we only had 2 channels worth watching

I remember I hated that you tried to wake me up at 8 on a Saturday 

I remember when dad was practically a superhero
And I convinced him I NEEDED a dog 
She was a golden lab 
And we would fight over who we thought she liked more

I remember at night when we were still in elementary school
And you would sneak into my room
And we would talk until 11

I remember when dad left us
We thought he called us out to talk about your grades
But his tears made us realize 
it was much more serious

I remember that was the first time I saw him cry 
And I remember I was afraid you would break down and run away

I remember on the nights I could hear you cry
I would find all the knives in our house not for cooking and hide them under my pillow

I remember you finding her
And me no longer being your favorite 
But I was glad because she could help you 
far better than I ever could
But it still hurt 

I remember when I told you I was in a relationship 
And you couldn't believe it
But you supported me in spite of your apparent doubts

In truth I was probably trying to fill the hole you left when you chose her instead of me
But it didn't last long anyways
And she is still with you

I remember when you told us you were leaving to live with dad
Matt sobbed
I tried to support you the way you always supported me
So I didn't cry
At least not while you were watching

I remember the pain of feeling so alone
Of realizing you were no longer feet away from me but instead miles. 

That is when my night time depression started

I remember the first time someone accused us of acting like more than siblings
It was dad
You got offended

I remember I decided I would marry the person I grew to love more than you.

blackout poetry

Lingering

The truth is 

I'm not ok

And I'm starting to feel 
that maybe I'm bipolar

Because home is the loneliest place to be
Because I'm alone in that room all night

Wishing I were a ghost

Then I go to school

And I have friends who notice and care
Who tell me I'm not just being dumb

And then you pick me up from the bus stop
And my heart stops

Because I could never in a million years
Deserve you

And I'm afraid you'll notice

And I'm afraid you won't 

And I'm afraid 

All I'll ever be

Is broken

Lingering on your every word
On their every word of comfort
And on every feeling of loneliness 

My heart and the clinking sounds in my chest

I hate to tell you this
But I am broken

I'm not who I wish I was

And I've tried to piece my heart together

But it just won't work

Because there are too many 
pieces missing 

And I'm done wasting time

Because those flimsy scotch tape lies
Won't fix anything

Because I'm breaking more each day
And I'm running out of lies to tell

My roll of tape is empty
And I'm done hiding

I'm done being ok
And I'm done being perfect

Because I swear 
That's all that people see

But I toss and turn at night
And nothing feels right

Because the pieces of my heart
Make clinking sounds as I move

And my mind is so tired

It forgets to pretend to be ok