guide to being an introvert

a simple guide to being introverted for extroverts and ambiverts

you know the feeling of 

i can wait to go out this weekend

I'm so excited to go to this place

i cant wait i'm going to call my bff

i'm going to stay out all night

its going to be crazy

well I don't

when the clock hits 11:30 am on a Friday my first thoughts are 

"i cant wait to curl up on my couch 

in my bed 

and most certainly alone with a book or netflix near by."

you know how you love shopping with a good friend.

how its fun to window shop

how you were never really interested in buying something 

but you were just glad to be there.

I don't

i will go shopping if there is something specific i want 

i go shopping alone

because more often than not

people talk me into buying things i don't need

you know that one time 

you struck up a conversation about the weather

or with a stranger on a bus

remember when you had that lab partner 

and you ended up having more to talk about than you thought.

I don't 

i get confused and offended 

when a lab partner strays from the task at hand to be social.

and talking just because you are near someone 

doesn't make sense

and as far as talking about the weather goes

you both can feel the weather.

how is it not considered stating the obvious

you know parties

how do you stand them

the food bought to cater to everyone's tastes 

and never really fitting any one person

the forced contact with strangers

that may or may not know the people you know

and the knowledge that falling asleep on the couch 

would be social suicide at best

and maybe all i wanted was a cup of hot cocoa 

and maybe i can only handle groups of people 7 and under

and maybe 4 was always best.

because inside jokes will always leave someone confused

and there will always be that one kid 

who never played that video game

i will go out to see a movie and go out to eat

but to be honest most of the time 

i would rather be home with one or two people

with easy access to a bedroom 

that no one else uses.

when i was a kid my hobbies included

being able to play with my brother 

without being interrupted by the neighbors

reading a book 12 ft up in a tree

and being so high up 

that the wind makes the branches under me sway 

i am a dog person 

 for the same reason i don't like talking to people

because small talk feels so insincere 

and no one will ever genuinely appreciate you
as much as your dog will

and you can laugh but being overly social feels so fake
and I like being Real

Provo poetry

I try and go to this every Thursday. It's a speak for yourself poetry event at enliten backery. Last time they asked me to be their compilation poet. So yeah.... 

http://speakforyourselfopenmic.blogspot.com/2016/04/compilation-poem-for-april-7-2016.html?m=1

assumptions

people like to assume

people like to assume because i went to japan
i am a weaboo
a nerd
an "otaku"

and honestly i might have been

but now I'm a bigger fan 

of Japan's culture 

and hot spring baths

people like to assume because i'm a girl
i fight dirty

then they find out i grew up with brothers
and then they assume i am a pro wrestler

people like to assume that because i am a girl
it is also okay that i dress like one

but its not
not because i'm a tom boy
but because something inside me cries
i like cute clothes
i like girly clothes
but it hurts to wear them.

but assuming never hurt anyone

worst of all people like to assume
family is a safe topic

people like to assume
i have a little brother i quarrel with

maybe an older sister i yell at

maybe i make fun of my mom
and tell her she is old.

and honestly

its like the worst surprise
to realize

it pains people when i talk about my family

because the word divorce
is like a knife worse than any swear word

because we live in happy valley
a place where words like divorce
have practically been outlawed

those who use it ignored

and those who talk about it ostracized

because no one wants to believe
that true love can end

that their whole lives have been  a lie
that maybe one day their parents won't love each other

that maybe one day their prince charming
might not be so charming

because people like to believe divorce 

is simple
simply easy
simply evil
and simply something they will never have to worry about

and people like to assume love is easy
and people like to assume life can be simple.

so when i tell them no that's not my dad
hes just the person married to my mom
she got remarried

see there's another word

remarried

it sounds inviting until you process it and realize
what exactly it is you are getting yourself into


no shes not my sister shes not even my step sister
she is my step sisters half sister
and this is her husband

no uncle fred is not my uncle
he is not my moms uncle or my dads uncle
he is my step dads uncle
and crazy does run in the family

no its not my grandma who lives in my basement
its nanu
her real name is carol 

but so i'm making sense
it is my step dads mom

no he is not my little brother
he is my dads girlfriends son

yes i grew up with brothers
but i got 2 sisters when my mom got remarried
6 or so years ago.
no they are not babies
no they are not my half siblings
nothing is as simple as half siblings
yes they are both older than me

no i don't have one brother i have 4
but only one lives with me all the time
because 2 live with their mom
and the other lives with my dad

And you might say I have 5 

because my dad has been dating that girl 

for a really long time

no i'm not an only child
nothing could ever be more strikingly different
than saying i am an only child
no i don't fight with my siblings anymore

we leave the fighting to the grown ups
and they don't fight as much as you would think
but they still fight more than we can take.

and you went silent after the first sentence
so i will stop
i will stop
because divorce is a taboo

and no one knows what to say
when i say any more than i love my family.

so lets start over

"i love my family"